Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S.
WASHINGTON—In a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at one’s wife as the official language of the United…
Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons’ Career
The post Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons’ Career appeared first on The Onion.
TBR Cartoon Triple Feature!
Tom Toro won the National Cartoonist Society’s Reuben Award for best gag cartoonist of 2025. His debut cartoon collection AND TO THINK WE STARTED AS A BOOK CLUB… was nominated for the Eisner Award and was a TBR Book Club pick. His new…
Opinion: Anyone Who Would Trust Their Life to a Tesla Flying Car Absolutely Should
Hello there, fellow citizens of the FUTURE. That’s what it must be: the future, at least according to Elon Musk, because the flying car is now a REALITY, according to Elon Musk. You may have seen the viral video of the Tesla Roadster’s debut and thought…
AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid
NEW YORK—Frantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. “You never know when you’re…
Is Pete Hegseth’s Bold Pledge To ‘Kill Everyone’ By 2028 An Unrealistic Pipe Dream?
The post Is Pete Hegseth’s Bold Pledge To ‘Kill Everyone’ By 2028 An Unrealistic Pipe Dream? appeared first on The Onion.
LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute
The post LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute appeared first on The Onion.
Druid Loving This Cloak Weather
HILL OF TARA, IRELAND—Visibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fográith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather. “Oh man, there’s nothing…
‘Whalefall’ Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver
LOS ANGELES—Noting that one’s own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. “My best writing usually comes from a personal…
Millions of Americans Offer Trump $90 to Resign
Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a proposal that experts called unprecedented, on Tuesday over twenty million Americans offered Donald J. Trump ninety dollars each to resign from office. The Americans, all of whom…