Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026
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Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026
The post Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026 appeared first on The Onion.
Haley Stevens High-Fiving Everyone At El-Sayed Victory Party Like Nothing Happened
The post Haley Stevens High-Fiving Everyone At El-Sayed Victory Party Like Nothing Happened appeared first on The Onion.
Abdul El-Sayed Makes History As First Physically Healthy Senator
The post Abdul El-Sayed Makes History As First Physically Healthy Senator appeared first on The Onion.
Joe Mazzulla Uses Claude To Learn Why Jordan Walsh’s Hair Like That
BOSTON—Praising the artificial intelligence tool for its increasingly important role in shaping his coaching decisions, Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla revealed Tuesday that he had been using Claude to investigate why Jordan Walsh’s hair was like…
Julie Marks
The Loyola High class of 2003 got it right when they voted Julie Marks, 41, most likely to die by ciguatera fish poisoning. The post Julie Marks appeared first on The Onion.
Jasper Collins
Jasper Collins, 59, died suddenly Tuesday, completely ruining his business partner’s plans to make him the fall guy. The post Jasper Collins appeared first on The Onion.
Jimmy Chiarella
Jimmy Chiarella, 72, died Wednesday after being the last one to say “not it.” The post Jimmy Chiarella appeared first on The Onion.
Gina Billings
Gina Billings, 64, died of unknown causes, but since her head is still attached to her body, beheading can almost certainly be ruled out. The post Gina Billings appeared first on The Onion.
St. Augustine of Hippo
St. Augustine of Hippo succumbed to colorectal cancer at his hospice in heaven at the tragically short afterlife age of 1596. The post St. Augustine of Hippo appeared first on The Onion.