Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew
HAMDEN, CT—Admitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of American voters responding to a Quinnipiac University poll published Thursday revealed that their greatest concern going into the 2026 midterms was…
Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting ‘Suck On This’
BALTIMORE—Calling the study’s findings “revolutionary” for anyone currently staring down a henchman or terrorist, a study from Johns Hopkins University published Thursday found that the explosive power of a rocket launcher increased by…
We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99 Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like
Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best efforts—and considerable hunger—we seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks…
Vacationing Mom Misses Alexa
MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Sighing loudly as she gazed at the empty countertop in the family’s rented condo, vacationing mom Jan Freehorn told reporters Friday that she missed her Alexa. “This is the first time I’ve left Alexa home all by herself,” said the…
Michelle Zhang-Russo
Michelle Zhang-Russo, 54, died expectedly to everyone who knows you should never order oysters from a restaurant on a Monday. The post Michelle Zhang-Russo appeared first on The Onion.
Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts
Truth Social launched a subscription service allowing Wall Street firms to gain advanced access to Trump’s “market-moving” posts, receiving them milliseconds before the general public. What do you think? “It’s almost like you’re right there in the…
What To Know About ‘One Night Only’
One Night Only opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What’s the premise? A: In a dystopian alternate reality, dating is sorta awkward and hard to navigate. Q: Who are the leads? A: Two attractive…
Oprah Announces Closure Of School For Girls In Africa
Oprah Winfrey announced that the school she founded for underprivileged girls in South Africa will close next year, ending operations after almost two decades. What do you think? “Recess forever!” Dwight Hoffa, Flute Tuner “They must have run out of…
New ‘Ted Lasso’ Season Aims To Teach Viewers About Shapes, Colors
NEW YORK—Claiming that fans would love clapping and dancing along with their favorite characters,Ted Lasso star Jason Sudeikis confirmed that the show’s fourth season, which begins Wednesday, would teach viewers about shapes and colors. “At this…
Ring Launches Streaming Service
HAWTHORNE, CA—Providing customers with an expansive and growing library of premium content, smart doorbell manufacturer Ring launched a new streaming service Wednesday. Company officials said Ring+, as the subscription platform is called, features…