Fired General Warned Of Missile Shortages Before Iran War
Gen. Randy George, the Army chief of staff since ousted by Defense Secretary Hegseth, warned of critically low stockpiles of U.S. interceptor missiles two months before the Iran War started, estimating the shortage would last until 2030. What do you…
American Conservatives Confused Why French Populace Refuses To Surrender
DALLAS, Tex.—Conservatives across the United States expressed shock and confusion upon seeing footage of the ongoing riots across France, primarily over the fact that the country’s populace was not instinctively surrendering to riot police, a new poll…
Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain
Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain Beyond its laws and leaders, what has allowed the United States to prosper for so long is the unique physiology of its most ardent citizens. Here is a complete diagram of a patriot’s brain. Explore the brain in…
Whoever Says My Name On TV Gets My Vote
With the election fast approaching, the stakes for democracy couldn’t be clearer. We’re deciding the fate of our country for the next two years. Because of that, some voters will base their decisions purely on party. Others have specific issues in mind.…
Phoebe Bridgers Sends Warning To Fans By Executing Phone On Stage
SALT LAKE CITY—Emphasizing that the ban on electronic recording devices was a rule, not a suggestion, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers reportedly sent a warning to fans at the Delta Center on Wednesday by executing a phone on stage. “Well, well, well,…
Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S.
WASHINGTON—In a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at one’s wife as the official language of the United…
Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons’ Career
The post Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons’ Career appeared first on The Onion.
TBR Cartoon Triple Feature!
Tom Toro won the National Cartoonist Society’s Reuben Award for best gag cartoonist of 2025. His debut cartoon collection AND TO THINK WE STARTED AS A BOOK CLUB… was nominated for the Eisner Award and was a TBR Book Club pick. His new…
Opinion: Anyone Who Would Trust Their Life to a Tesla Flying Car Absolutely Should
Hello there, fellow citizens of the FUTURE. That’s what it must be: the future, at least according to Elon Musk, because the flying car is now a REALITY, according to Elon Musk. You may have seen the viral video of the Tesla Roadster’s debut and thought…
AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid
NEW YORK—Frantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. “You never know when you’re…