The Hard Times One-Step Guide To Quit Micro-Dosing and Just Take the Ride Like a Fucking Adult
It’s been over 10 years since micro-dosing—the practice of taking just a small amount of hardcore, mind-altering drugs every day to cure whatever self-diagnosed problem you have—broke into the mainstream. It is now safe to say we live in a post…
Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office
Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office. PRO New scapegoat for bad quarter Good to have full range of movement while sitting stationary for eight…
David Attenborough Admits To Exaggerating Wonder Of Seals
LONDON—Acknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being “awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature,” an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. “While I did several monologues…
Men Overly Bored
The post Men Overly Bored appeared first on The Onion.
White House Doctor Claims President Has Always Been Face Drawn Onto Cantaloupe
WASHINGTON—Dismissing public concern about the president’s health as baseless speculation, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, announced at a press conference Friday that Donald Trump has always been a face drawn onto a…
Dad Getting Sick of Son Asking Him to Check Under His Bed for Steven Tyler
BOSTON — Local father Hank Lindemuler is growing tired of his son Simon Lindemuler asking him to check under the bed for any sign of Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, confirmed sources. “He’s eight years old now. Time for him to get over his fear of the…
Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer
The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion.
Mark Zuckerberg’s Yacht Fails To Respond To Maritime Distress Call
After a megayacht owned by Mark Zuckerberg failed to respond to a distress signal from a skiff that had run out of fuel, a spokesperson for the centibillionaire claimed his crew did not hear the call for help. What do you think? “Hasn’t he helped…
Karaoke Outing Paints Heartbreaking Picture Of Friend Practicing Morrissey Impression Alone
RENO, NV—Wincing as he sang in a baritone voice with a slight British accent, local woman Mary Lowe reportedly felt immense pity at a karaoke outing Thursday after she imagined her friend Matthew Brown working on his Morrissey impression alone at home.…
Boy Gets Nice Long Look At Small Of Father’s Back While He Picks Up Ping-Pong Ball
APPLETON, WI—Wide-eyed and unusually still as he took in the unfamiliar sight before him, local 9-year-old Connor Walsh reportedly got a nice long look at the small of his father’s back Thursday while the 44-year-old bent down to retrieve a ping-pong…