Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’
BUENOS AIRES—After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches, a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called “Frodo, But Evil.” Everyone knows Frodo’s the hero…
Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist
LOS ANGELES—With her three wins last night finally putting her ahead of her greatest pop star rival, Taylor Swift surpassed Geppetto the Incredible Waltzing Horse on Sunday as the most-decorated artist in the history of MTV’s Video Music Awards.…
Pros And Cons Of Using Personal AI Agents
Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users’ accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants. PRO Fun to torment a digital slave Never liked taste…
What’s Rustling In That Leaf Pile?
The post What’s Rustling In That Leaf Pile? appeared first on The Onion.
Math Teacher’s Duplex Too Depressing To TP
ROCKFORD, IL—Toilet paper rolls hanging limply at their sides as they stood astonished in front of the home, local teens observed this weekend that their math teacher’s duplex was too depressing to TP, a discovery that derailed their night’s plans. “Oh…
Trump Bans Numbers 2 and 9 After Approval Rating Hits 29
Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented attack on two prominent integers, on Monday Donald J. Trump banned the numerals 2 and 9 after his approval rating dropped to 29. “Two and nine have…
Five Grindcore Songs That’ll Only Take You Like, Two Minutes To Check Out. Seriously, What the Fuck Else Do You Have Going On?
Grindcore is a subgenre of metal and hardcore punk that originated in the 80s, with short, abrasive songs that are often political in nature. It still has a huge following today, and if you’ll indulge us, we’d like to share five tunes with you. We…
Everyone on Adult Kickball Team Fucking
WASHINGTON — After months of denial, sources finally confirmed Tuesday that everyone on the adult recreational kickball team Bad Pitches is fucking one another. “After last year’s fall Volo season when we came in second, our team went out to…
Male Bonding Win? No Women Showed Up for This Orgy, But We’re Having a Great Time Watching Old NFL Highlights Instead
In a time when men across the country are suffering from loneliness and isolation, the atmosphere that developed at tonight’s failed orgy can only be seen as an unexpected blessing. A group of men were brought together by a shared desire to engage in…
Pedal Board Most Organized Part of Guitarist’s Life
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. – Vance Stevenson, guitarist for local rock band Gorilla Cheese, spends countless hours organizing the various effects pedals in order to get them just perfect, a level of care that has failed to spread to any other area of his life,…