Mike Johnson Begs God to Rapture Him Immediately
Alex Wong/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of the Republicans’ catastrophic rout in the midterm elections, on Wednesday morning House Speaker Mike Johnson begged God to “rapture him up” immediately.…
Breaking News From TBR Decision Desk
TBR EXCLUSIVE—The following are breaking news headlines from The Borowitz Report’s 2026 Decision Desk: Read more
Chili’s Customers Suffer Burns From Drinking Margaritas Made With Cleaning Agent
Customers at a Chili’s location in North Carolina experienced chemical burns after a worker mistook an unlabeled container of cleaning product to be sugar. What do you think? “Part of the charm of Chili’s is the ever-present risk of bodily harm.” Geoff…
Polls Close Early As Reward For Everyone’s Hard Work
WASHINGTON—Congratulating the American populace on a job well done, election officials announced Tuesday that polls for the 2026 midterms would be closing early as a reward for everyone’s hard work. “You all pounded the pavement and made your voices…
Steve Kornacki Crushes Millions Of Tiny Voters While Sliding Hand Across Electoral Map
The post Steve Kornacki Crushes Millions Of Tiny Voters While Sliding Hand Across Electoral Map appeared first on The Onion.
GOP Sees Surge In Turnout From First-Time Voter Intimidators
WASHINGTON—Crediting the increased participation to a months-long outreach campaign, Republican Party officials reported a surge in turnout Tuesday from first-time voter intimidators. “It’s inspiring to see so many newly registered Republicans grab their…
TBR Election Day Cartoon Special!
As you await the results, uncork the Cabernet, pop those edibles, and enjoy these Election Day cartoons from TBR’s roster of superstar cartoonists! Read more
Tips For Moving Abroad
Figuring out how to leave the United States and set up your life in another country can be complicated, confusing, and time-consuming. The Onion shares tips for moving abroad. Start by moving to an adjacent country and gradually work your way across the…
Nation Lines Up In Droves To Humiliate Nate Silver
WASHINGTON—In a united effort to fulfill their patriotic duty as Americans, the nation’s voters reportedly lined up in droves Tuesday to humiliate Nate Silver. “Little fuck thinks he’s so smart—I’ll show him,” said D.C. resident Jon Everett, one of 174…
Neglectful Voter Forced To Fill Out 6 Years’ Worth Of Back Ballots
DENVER—Expressing frustration as poll workers handed him a large stack of election materials, local man Andrew Campbell was reportedly forced to fill out six years’ worth of back ballots Tuesday before he could vote in the 2026 midterms. “I guess I have…