Only Memory Child Has Of $6,000 Vacation Throwing Up In Car
FITCHBURG, WI—Stating that he could not recall Cocoa Beach, an airboat tour of the Everglades, or breakfast with Chip ’n’ Dale at the Garden Grill Restaurant, local seventh grader Caleb May told reporters Thursday that the only memory he had of the…
Man Does ‘Safety’ Signal Alone At TV
The post Man Does ‘Safety’ Signal Alone At TV appeared first on The Onion.
Stephen Miller Doesn’t Want You to Read This
Win McNamee/Getty Images Donald J. Trump’s epic drubbing in the midterms inspired him to replace his chief of staff, Susie Wiles, with Stephen Miller, whose popularity rivals that of explosive diarrhea. To better acquaint you with Miller (aka…
Weird! Eric Clapton Just Revealed ‘Cocaine’ Is Also About His Dead Son
It seems there’s no limit to notable musicians’ ability to surprise us. From Kanye West’s horrific and depressing descent into far-right politics and anti-Semitism to Elton John buddying up with sex pest Kevin Spacey, singers and songwriters are fully…
Millennial Mentally Rebrands Increasing Grays as ‘Natural Highlights’
TAMPA, Fla. — Local millennial Stephanie Adams started mentally rebranding their growing number of gray hairs as “natural highlights,” confirmed sources who promptly decided to follow suit. “I was noticing that my hair looked so much lighter, which was…
Five Planets Train Totally Snubbed While Writing “Drops of Jupiter”
If you were around in the early 2000s, you undoubtedly remember Train’s hit “Drops of Jupiter”, which was a touching power ballad written about frontman Pat Monahan’s late mother. As poignant as this subject matter was, we can’t help but wonder what our…
‘Chill Lofi Hip Hop Beats To Study and Relax To’ Playlist Inducted Into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
CLEVELAND — The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame welcomed the YouTube playlist “Chill Lofi Hip Hop Beats to Study and Relax to” into its ranks, confirmed sources who thought it was about time it received some credible recognition. “This is for anyone who…
After the Bluenami
Ronaldo Schemidt / AFP via Getty Images Two years ago, after the epic shitshow known as the 2024 presidential election, the mainstream media rushed to declare Donald J. Trump a political genius and an unstoppable juggernaut. I had a different view. On…
What Kind of Mosh Pit Doesn’t Have a Baby Changing Station?
Ugh, are you kidding me? Come on, people, it’s the 21st century! When I came to this Anthrax concert, it was under the pretense that it would be run with some level of decency and decorum, and that the everyday plight of the child-rearing community would…
Stevie Nicks Reveals ‘Tusk’ Actually About Wanting to Beat Lindsey Buckingham to Death With Sharp, Phallic Object
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Decades after the release of the Fleetwood Mac album “Tusk,” Stevie Nicks revealed that the song of the same name is, in fact, about wanting to beat Lindsey Buckingham to death with a sharp, phallic object, confirmed sources who…