Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbor’s Backyard
BROOKFIELD, WI—Tracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in…
Corn Named World’s Sexiest Plant
The post Corn Named World’s Sexiest Plant appeared first on The Onion.
Lewis Hamilton Figures It Probably Too Late To Ask Girlfriend Which One She Is
The post Lewis Hamilton Figures It Probably Too Late To Ask Girlfriend Which One She Is appeared first on The Onion.
‘It Follows’ Monster Quits in Disgust 10 Minutes After Being Assigned to Crust Punk
PITTSBURGH — The monster from “It Follows” found itself quitting in disgust after only 10 minutes of following local crust punk Will Bernard, sources confirm. “Normally, I can keep this up for weeks,” the monster said. “This guy was just so fucking gross…
‘I Could Fight a Bear,’ Says Man Who Can’t Call Out Rapist Friend
AUSTIN, Texas — Local man Brad Callahan confirmed Tuesday that he could absolutely take a full-grown grizzly in unarmed combat, moments before declining to send a single text message to a longtime friend recently charged with rape, confirmed sources.…
TBR Cartoon Double Header!
Paul Noth has contributed over 400 cartoons to The New Yorker since 2004. In 2025, he became only the second cartoonist to win The Thurber Prize for American Humor in Cartoon Arts. You can subscribe to Paul’s Substack here. Subscribe for More…
Don Jr. Regrets Splitting With Guilfoyle After Learning She is World-class Grifter
Joe Raedle/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump Jr. said on Tuesday that he “deeply regrets” splitting with Kimberly Guilfoyle now that she has been revealed to be a world-class grifter. “When Kimberly and I…
Will Trump Running For Midterm President Help Down-Ballot Republicans?
The post Will Trump Running For Midterm President Help Down-Ballot Republicans? appeared first on The Onion.
Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Fanning hype for its upcoming open-world sandbox game by teasing a copious collection of tracks from the legendary singer-songwriter and film composer, Rockstar Games announced in a press release Tuesday that the Grand Theft Auto VI…
Shane Gillis Issues Apology Statement: ‘It’s Like Nobody Even Heard the Part About My Fat Bitch Sisters!’
Shane Gillis, affectionately known among his peers as a “Wet Egg,” addressed recent backlash over his SNL monologue where he referred to women at a gym he allegedly visited as “whores”, insisting that claims of misogyny were baseless, out of context, and…