Emmys Producers Warn Aging Stars Deadline For ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Midnight
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment was midnight. “Our ‘In…
Opinion: I’m Not a Toys R’ Us Kid, I’m a Toys R’ Us Man
Lately I’ve found myself staring into my bathroom mirror, unable to recognize the man behind the sunken eyes, encroaching wrinkles, and that one stubborn patch of psoriasis no prescription skin cream can seem to alleviate. Yet underneath my deteriorating…
Pharmacists Recommend Having Three Months’ Worth of Meds From Other, Imaginary Pharmacy Where They Let You Do That
LOS ANGELES — Pharmacists in the state of California have made a sweeping recommendation to have three months’ worth of medications, but to be sure to get them from other, imaginary pharmacies where they actually let you do that, sources confirmed. “Any…
The Fascist Billionaire Who Created JD Vance
Billionaire Peter Thiel is part of a Silicon Valley cabal that’s jonesing to replace democracy with a twisted brand of far-right technofascism. You won’t want to miss my conversation with Gil Durán, author of the bestseller The Nerd…
How To Talk to Your Kids About Those Photos of You at the Vans Warped Tour
Like most punk-positive parents, you probably thought it was safe to slow down and start a family when festival founder Kevin Lyman declared that the Vans Warped Tour would come to an end after 2018. But now, like the tell-tale heart beating through…
Why Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” Didn’t Do the Novel Justice
When I first heard that Metallica had written an ode to Hemingway’s 1940 novel “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, I was ecstatic. Finally, the story of demolition expert Robert Jordan’s harrowing mission to destroy a bridge during the Segovia Offensive of the…
Total Lightweight Not Keeping Personal Demons to Himself
ATLANTA — A local weak-ass bitch regularly burdens his friends and family with his personal bullshit after a couple of light beers, according to sources trying to avoid him. “My therapist said that it’s helpful for me to openly discuss my struggles with…
Sandra Bullock Regrets ‘Practical Magic 2’ After Realizing She Could’ve Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Expressing regret over her decision to star in and produce the film Practical Magic 2, co-lead Sandra Bullock told reporters Friday that she should have just had dinner with Nicole Kidman. “Honestly, when the studio came to me and asked…
Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm
The post Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm appeared first on The Onion.
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today’s NFL gear. Explore the uniform in detail Musk Compound Map BUILT-IN RADIO: LETS COACHES FEED PLAYERS CORRECT RESPONSES TO…