Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire
The post Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire appeared first on The Onion.
Feeld Romance Lasts Record Seven Days
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Feeld users are calling it nothing short of a miracle after a relationship between two people on the app somehow lasted an entire week, confirmed sources. “I’m as surprised as anyone. It started as a simple…
‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still
The post ‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still appeared first on The Onion.
Unsupportive Parents Eat Crow After Son Makes It As Beetlejuice Impersonator
LOS ANGELES—Smiling to himself as he reflected on all the years his mother and father had discouraged him from chasing his dream, local man Aaron Traylor told reporters Friday that his parents had been forced to eat crow ever since he made it as a…
Tips For Increasing Your Fiber Intake
Social media has ignited a recent surge in health-conscious Americans trying to up their fiber consumption. The Onion provides tips for maximizing the amount of fiber in your diet: Scrutinize food labels for phrases like “gut buster” and…
Letterboxd Holds Seance To Ask James Dean His 4 Favorite Movies
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND—Holding hands in a circle as candles flickered and water glasses trembled, employees of film discovery platform Letterboxd reportedly held a séance Friday to ask James Dean his four favorite movies. “Spirit of Mr. Dean, we’ve got…
TBR Cartoon of the Week
TBR welcomes the acclaimed Paul Karasik as a contributing cartoonist! A two-time Eisner Award winner, Paul has published work in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Nation, and The New Yorker. You can help support Paul’s work here.…
Six Flags Closes X2 Roller Coaster Due To Brain Injuries
Six Flags Magic Mountain permanently closed its famous X2 roller coaster due to a history of riders incurring brain injuries, with some resulting in death. What do you think? “You try selling a $27 fountain soda to someone with full cognitive function.”…
RFK Jr. Says Lethal Injections Failed Because They Contained No Vaccines
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. argued that the two lethal injections failed because they contained no vaccines. “Pentobarbital alone is not a potent enough drug to stop the heart of a murderer. If you want to get the job done, you need at…
Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis
CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his…