Aging Goth Couple Barely Scare Each Other Anymore
PEORIA, Ill. — Each waiting behind a corner to frighten the other the moment either of them rounds it, aging goth couple Rob and Patricia Ferney acknowledged that, unfortunately, they barely scare each other anymore. “The years add up and, to our…
It’s Time We Talked About How Few Members of the Zombies Have Died and Come Back
There’s been something on my mind, and I’m tired of keeping it in. It’s time we talked about how few members of The Zombies have died and come back. I just feel like if you hear your friend say “Hey, I heard The Zombies are playing a gig tonight. Wanna…
Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle
HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Muttering “Oh shit” as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. “I was probably supposed…
Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time
LANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. “Unfortunately, finding a stray…
Luxury Doomsday Bunkers Gain Popularity Among Ultra-Wealthy
Ultra-wealthy families are constructing luxury doomsday bunkers with amenities ranging from gyms and spas to meditation rooms and movie theaters, the boom coming amid the backdrop of growing geopolitical turmoil and the rise of AI. What do you think?…
Midterm Races To Watch In 2026
As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle. Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate,…
Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail
NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a…
Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera
SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at…
TBR Monday Cartoon
Jason Chatfield is a New Yorker cartoonist, comedian, and author of You’re Not a Real Parent Until… He is a former President of the National Cartoonists Society. You can find more of his work on his Substack, New York Cartoons. Subscribe to…
The Next Fleetwood Mac? These 4 Coked Out Roommates Are Also Sleeping With Each Other
Guess you could say the ‘Rumours’ are true: Santa Monica might have found a foursome that can only be described as the next Fleetwood Mac. People have been paying attention to this group and drawing comparisons to the “Landslide” band based on the eerie…