God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’
THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My…
Private Equity Firm Buys Rainbows
NEW YORK — Local private equity firm Kohlberg Kravis & Roberts announced today that they have officially acquired the rights, access, licensing, and ownership of all sunlight that hits water droplets and refracts into a spectrum of colors, most…
Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron
WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on…
Hard Times Left Out of White House Ban
Okay, this is honestly just weird. Frankly, we’re not sure how we got White House press passes to begin with; we filled for them as a joke, and somehow it worked. Frankly, it’s almost insulting that while CNN, MS NOW, and Politico have been banned from…
Glamour Of Lamborghini Negated By Indiana Plates
The post Glamour Of Lamborghini Negated By Indiana Plates appeared first on The Onion.
Josephine Walker
Josephine Walker, 23, really should have picked “truth.” The post Josephine Walker appeared first on The Onion.
Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling
PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post…
Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day
NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. “I thought it was maybe…
Court Orders Kennedy Name Removed From RFK Jr.
Mario Tama/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bombshell ruling on Tuesday, a federal judge ordered the Kennedy name removed from Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “immediately.” “Henceforth, the former Mr. Kennedy will be…
George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening
SAN ANSELMO, CA—Cursing himself for ever thinking “this museum thing” was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest out of R2-D2 Monday ahead of the public opening of his new Museum of Narrative Art. “Hold still,…