What To Know About Trump’s Russia Diesel Deal
In an effort to lower gas prices ahead of the midterm elections, President Trump agreed to temporarily lift sanctions on Russian diesel exports. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the energy deal struck with Russian President Vladimir…
Dick Pic Achieves Lifelong Dream of Being Solicited
LAS VEGAS — After years of being blocked and sent to spam by women for being unsolicited, a dick pic has achieved its lifelong dream of being solicited, confirmed sources. “Solicitation is the top of Mount Everest in the dick pic world. Most dick pics…
Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show
PHOENIX — Concertgoers in their late 30s and older are entering venues with a swath of mobility and sensory aids, perplexed and energetic younger attendees report. “Half the time the metal detector wand isn’t even on, I just scan over people if my…
George Santos Named New White House Press Secretary
Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Following the abrupt departure of White House press secretary Katie Zacharia, Donald J. Trump announced that her replacement would be the former congressman George…
Katie Zacharia Fired Just as Soon as She Finishes Reading Her Termination Letter
WASHINGTON — Embattled White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia has been fired following a disastrous debut, according to everyone except for Zacharia, who is still sounding out the termination letter. “I’ve just been handed a letter I’m supposed to…
‘Whalefall’ Star Stuns On Red Carpet In 40,000-Gallon Tank
The post ‘Whalefall’ Star Stuns On Red Carpet In 40,000-Gallon Tank appeared first on The Onion.
Sydney Sweeney Tells Scooter Braun She Open To Converting To B-List For Him
LOS ANGELES—Stating that it was about time they got serious about their future as a couple, actress Sydney Sweeney reportedly told record executive Scooter Braun Friday that she was open to converting to the B-list for him. “I really want this…
Trump Cancels Planned Livestream Of Jon Ossoff’s Execution
WASHINGTON—Calling off the event that some had labeled “controversial,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was canceling the planned livestream execution of Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-GA). “I still believe it would have been a strong deterrent for…
New Evidence Suggests Amelia Earhart Was Accepted Into Crab Society
NIKUMARORO, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have finally solved the longstanding mystery surrounding the missing aviator’s ultimate fate, a team of Purdue University researchers announced Friday they had found new evidence suggesting Amelia Earhart was accepted…
Lena Dunham Announces ‘Girls’ Coming Back For 5 More Controversies
LONDON—Thanking HBO for the opportunity to provoke all over again, Girls creator Lena Dunham announced Friday that the series was coming back for five more controversies. “So much has changed in the world since the show ended nine years ago, and I’m…