DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons
The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in “extraordinary circumstances.” What do you think?…
I Said I Got a Pocketful of SUNSHINE, Motherfucker! — Guest Post by Natasha Bedingfield
Yeah. That’s right. You don’t have shit. What do you have in your pocket? Nothing! It’s because you’re broke as fuck. “Take me away, to a higher place”…yeah…like the Billboard Top 100. Heard of it? Any of your…
‘Abbey Road’ Biographer Reveals Paul Made Everyone Use the Crosswalk
CARNOUSTIE, Scotland — A new biography about the six-frame photoshoot for the Beatles’ final recorded studio album asserts that Paul McCartney insisted the Fab Four use the zebra-stripe crosswalk and move single file while crossing Abbey Road. “The…
A List of Foods RFK Jr. Says It’s Safe To Eat
Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images TBR EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following official advisory from the Department of Health and Human Services: Here at the Department of Health and Human Services we put health first and…
Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty
Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think? “Great, so I sent all of those love letters to a criminal?” Joan…
Five Things You Should Never Say to Henry Rollins While Playing Hungry Hungry Hippos Against Him
We’ve all been there. You’re sitting across the table from Henry Rollins, one of the most feared frontmen and board game competitors in punk history, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing during a heated Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament. There’s just…
New HHS Sleep Hygiene Guidelines Include Being Okay With Trump Administration Actions
WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced updates to its sleep hygiene guidelines, retaining its recommendations to avoid screens and have a consistent sleep schedule while adding advice to be fine with what the Trump…
The Hard Times One-Step Guide To Quit Micro-Dosing and Just Take the Ride Like a Fucking Adult
It’s been over 10 years since micro-dosing—the practice of taking just a small amount of hardcore, mind-altering drugs every day to cure whatever self-diagnosed problem you have—broke into the mainstream. It is now safe to say we live in a post…
Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office
Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office. PRO New scapegoat for bad quarter Good to have full range of movement while sitting stationary for eight…
David Attenborough Admits To Exaggerating Wonder Of Seals
LONDON—Acknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being “awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature,” an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. “While I did several monologues…