Baby Painted Purple For Vikings Game
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Supposedly Seedy Motel Doesn’t Even Secretly Film Guests Having Sex
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — A seedy motel off Route 66 proved disappointing for visitors who expected to be spied on in their rooms like in countless movies they’d seen before, according to bummed‑out sources. “If we didn’t want to be filmed having sex, we…
311 Tired of Fielding Non-Emergency Municipal Calls
OMAHA, Neb. — Alternative rock band 311 announced that it is tired of fielding and handling a near-constant series of non-emergency municipal calls for assistance while out on tour, according to sources close to the group. “Look, it’s hard to be a…
Are the Republicans Toast?
Are Republicans headed for a November Armageddon? You won’t want to miss these predictions from Ben Wikler, the man who helped kick Elon Musk’s ass when the Cyberschmuck tried to buy Wisconsin’s democracy. Ben, who was the state’s…
Punk Venue Accused of Selling Out After Putting Door on Toilet Stall
FITCHBURG, Mass. — Long-standing rock club Vito’s is being lambasted by its clientele after installing doors on its restroom stalls, according to pissed off sources. “It’s a disgrace,” said Keith Skum of local band The Skumz. “I walked in to take a leak…
David Lee Roth Band Fires David Lee Roth
PASADENA, Calif. — The David Lee Roth Band announced the immediate dismissal of lead singer David Lee Roth, confirmed sources. “Effective immediately, David Lee Roth has been removed as lead singer of the David Lee Roth Band, and the group has…
Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire
The post Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire appeared first on The Onion.
Feeld Romance Lasts Record Seven Days
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Feeld users are calling it nothing short of a miracle after a relationship between two people on the app somehow lasted an entire week, confirmed sources. “I’m as surprised as anyone. It started as a simple…
‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still
The post ‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still appeared first on The Onion.
Unsupportive Parents Eat Crow After Son Makes It As Beetlejuice Impersonator
LOS ANGELES—Smiling to himself as he reflected on all the years his mother and father had discouraged him from chasing his dream, local man Aaron Traylor told reporters Friday that his parents had been forced to eat crow ever since he made it as a…