Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact
Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the popular beverage. MYTH: Excessive consumption can…
God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers
THE HEAVENS—Noting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called “troubling” Q3 circumcision numbers. “Sure,…
Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting
SAN MATEO, CA—Noting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done their…
Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song
The post Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning
The post Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning appeared first on The Onion.
Former Rep. Eric Swalwell Admits To ‘Physical Relations’ With Chinese Spy
Newly declassified documents show former Rep. Eric Swalwell admitted to the FBI that he had “physical relations” with a suspected Chinese spy on a handful of occasions. What do you think? “Let’s not let geopolitics cheapen what they had.” Soren Murnahan,…
Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves
TOPEKA, KS—In a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday evening by proclaiming that he believes in werewolves. “You can find werewolves…
We Look Back on Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” Because I’m in the Car With My Dad and of Fucking Course It’s Playing on the Radio
“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails was released in May of 1994 as the second single off their sophomore album “The Downward Spiral”, and of fucking course it just started playing on the radio right after Dad picked me up from O’Hare for the McLaughlin family…
Eric Trump Calls Lindsey Graham’s Sister Unqualified Idiot Who Only Got Job Through Nepotism
Mandel Ngan / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown, on Monday Eric Trump called Lindsey Graham’s sister, Senator Darline Graham, “an unqualified idiot who only got her job through…
Office Punk’s PowerPoint Only Has Three Slides
CHICAGO — Local office punk Darrell Willis recently presented Business Think Lab, his place of work, with a PowerPoint that only used three slides, despite taking nearly three weeks to produce, confirmed sources. “Darrell is always trying to act…