It Won’t End Well for Stephen Miller
As Stephen Miller descends into Donald Trump’s Führerbunker, I’m joined by Jean Guerrero, author of the viral sensation Hatemonger: Stephen Miller, Donald Trump, and the White Nationalist Agenda. Jean reveals the malignant forces that…
Okay, Nathan Fielder — Now Do Lars Ulrich
Hey, thanks, Nathan Fielder, for your recent exposee of a psychotic American weirdo in Elizabeth Holmes. But the time has come, and our nation’s metalheads cry out for the full bearing of justice upon someone who REALLY deserves it. I am of course…
Changing Tables Installed in Senate Bathrooms for Elderly Senators
WASHINGTON — Changing tables were installed in U.S. Senate bathrooms for elderly elected officials, thanks to the hard work of a bipartisan group of ancient lawmakers led by the most decrepit, Senator Chuck Grassley, confirmed sources. “These senators…
Google Withholds Search For Schools That Ban AI
Google announced that schools which block AI use entirely would have their access to web search restricted, a move meant to curb growing calls to ban artificial intelligence in K-12 education. What do you think? “The only corporation that should have…
Evolution Of The U.S. Flag
Evolution Of The U.S. Flag As America has changed over the centuries, so too has one of its most majestic symbols. Here is how the U.S. flag has evolved. Explore in detail Musk Compound Map 1776 Betsy Ross’ uncirculated first attempt 1780 Adopted at the…
Basketball Scouts See Potential In 7-Foot-5 Toddler
ORLANDO, FL—Noting that there was “just something about him” and that he possessed the kind of innate physical tools that could not be taught, basketball scouts confirmed Friday that they saw tremendous potential in 7-foot-5 toddler Miles Covington. “I…
God Announces Cutting Hair Will Hurt Now
THE HEAVENS—Noting that the change would take effect immediately for all 8.2 billion of His earthly creations, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that cutting hair would hurt now. “Going forward, cutting any hair on your body, from your…
Hark, Who Goes There?
The post Hark, Who Goes There? appeared first on The Onion.
Help Me Choose The Stupidest Jim Jordan Quote
Jordan, showing off how high he can count. (Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images) In a bold attempt to alienate their few remaining voters, on Tuesday congressional Republicans elected as minority leader Rep. Jim Jordan, the nation’s foremost human…
Cybertruck Discontinued
Elon Musk announced that Tesla will cease production of the Cybertruck in 2027, diverting resources to increase manufacturing of the company’s self-driving taxi, the Cybercab. What do you think? “You’d think the market could find room for a bad, ugly…