CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus
The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think? “So that’s why I keep seeing #OpenToSpy banners on LinkedIn.” Lynn Mysyk, Boot…
Opinion: This Party Ain’t Big Enough for Two Fat Horror Movie Aficionados
In a different life, we could have amicably coexisted at a horror convention, our rank odors swirling together until Robert Englund found us repulsively indistinguishable. Unfortunately for you, I got to this board game night first, and I’m not about to…
Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake
With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like…
Powerball Adds Essay Section
CLIVE, IA—In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. “In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in…
DC Clarifies ‘Clayface’ Not Connected To Matt Reeves’ ‘Batman’ Unless It Actually Is
BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was.…
Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God
VATICAN CITY—In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. “To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your…
Bon Iver Reveals ‘Skinny Love’ About Snapping Into a Slim Jim
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Singer-songwriter Justin Vernon, better known by his indie folk band moniker Bon Iver, revealed that his hit single “Skinny Love” is about snapping into a Slim Jim, Vernon confirmed. “You know, I feel like it’s been long enough and…
Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities
CHICAGO—Dashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a…
‘Now My Breasts Are Over Here,’ Announces Sydney Sweeney Peeking Out From Oak Tree
LOS ANGELES—Peeking out from behind the trunk with a mischievous grin on her face, actress Sydney Sweeney announced, “Now my breasts are over here!” from behind an old oak tree Friday. “He-he, it’s me,” said the 29-year-old Euphoria and Anyone But You…
Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price
SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I…