Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
The post Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
Ween Enters Mescaline Hall of Fame
CLEVELAND — The Mescaline Hall of Fame announced Ween as this year’s inductee, solidifying the band’s legacy, confirmed sources. “We’ve wanted this achievement ever since we heard about it a few months ago,” flatly stated Dean Ween of Ween.…
‘Heated Rivalry’ Producers Tease Season 2 Arc In Which Ilya Diagnosed With Depression Only Blow Jobs Can Cure
TORONTO—Sharing new details about what fans could expect next from the hit series, Heated Rivalry producers teased Wednesday that Season 2 would follow an arc in which character Ilya Rozanov is diagnosed with a form of depression only curable via blow…
Commuter’s Dream
This charming 2-bedroom is technically walking distance from the local train station, in the sense that humans are physically capable of walking 41 miles without dying. Reference #633879 The post Commuter’s Dream appeared first on The Onion.
Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott
The bride and groom said they knew they were perfect together when they both failed to get any other matches on Hinge. The post Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott appeared first on The Onion.
Nation’s Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down
WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart toilets have begun counting down, sources reported Wednesday. The…
Poll Finds Majority Of Republicans Support Unions
A new Gallup poll found that 52% of Republicans support labor unions in spite of GOP lawmakers’ continued push to stifle union priorities. What do you think? “We can’t count on all bosses to treat their workers as well as Donald Trump does.” Jeff Whitt,…
Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance
The post Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance appeared first on The Onion.
The Reporter Who Nailed Kristi Noem
Michael Gonzalez/Getty Images I was saddened to hear that longtime South Dakota journalist Tom Lawrence died last month. I got to know Tom over the past two years as we bonded over a shared interest: Kristi Noem. As a tribute to Tom, here’s a…
Help! Nathan Fielder Still Doesn’t Know We’re in a Relationship
Put on a helmet and sit on the toilet because when you hear what I’m about to tell you, you’re going to get so jealous you will shit out your ovaries or whatever you’ve got going on there and pass the fuck out. Okay, here goes: I am Nathan Fielder’s…