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Entenmann’s CEO Announces He Happy To Share Donut Secrets With Chinese Spies In Exchange For Sex
IRVING, TX— Revealing his openness to disclosing sensitive corporate information if properly incentivized, Entenmann’s CEO Larry Dunford announced Monday that he was happy to share donut-related secrets with Chinese spies in exchange for sex. “I’ll tell…
2026 Midterms ‘Blue Tsunami’ By The Numbers
The Democrats retook the House, Senate, and many statewide offices after a massive wave of wins in the 2026 midterm election. The Onion breaks down the figures behind the Democrats’ “blue tsunami.” 54 Number of states Democrats now control ∞ Executive…
GOP Criticizes Trump For Promoting Stephen Miller Over Other, More Qualified Necrophiles
WASHINGTON—Calling it a shortsighted decision that he would come to regret during his final two years in office, members of the GOP criticized President Donald Trump Monday for promoting Stephen Miller to serve as chief of staff over other, more…
Tom Cruise Wakes Up Sleep-Climbing Burj Khalifa
DUBAI—Rubbing at his eyes carefully with one hand and murmuring “shit” under his breath as he watched one of his slippers tumble toward the ground over 500 meters below, actor Tom Cruise reportedly woke up Wednesday while sleep-climbing the Burj Khalifa.…
Only Memory Child Has Of $6,000 Vacation Throwing Up In Car
FITCHBURG, WI—Stating that he could not recall Cocoa Beach, an airboat tour of the Everglades, or breakfast with Chip ’n’ Dale at the Garden Grill Restaurant, local seventh grader Caleb May told reporters Thursday that the only memory he had of the…
Man Does ‘Safety’ Signal Alone At TV
The post Man Does ‘Safety’ Signal Alone At TV appeared first on The Onion.
Stephen Miller Doesn’t Want You to Read This
Win McNamee/Getty Images Donald J. Trump’s epic drubbing in the midterms inspired him to replace his chief of staff, Susie Wiles, with Stephen Miller, whose popularity rivals that of explosive diarrhea. To better acquaint you with Miller (aka…
Weird! Eric Clapton Just Revealed ‘Cocaine’ Is Also About His Dead Son
It seems there’s no limit to notable musicians’ ability to surprise us. From Kanye West’s horrific and depressing descent into far-right politics and anti-Semitism to Elton John buddying up with sex pest Kevin Spacey, singers and songwriters are fully…
Millennial Mentally Rebrands Increasing Grays as ‘Natural Highlights’
TAMPA, Fla. — Local millennial Stephanie Adams started mentally rebranding their growing number of gray hairs as “natural highlights,” confirmed sources who promptly decided to follow suit. “I was noticing that my hair looked so much lighter, which was…