MAGA Rapper Earns Street Cred After Snitching to the Cops
TAMPA, Fla. — MAGA rapper Dyson Red found himself earning street cred from his peers after snitching to the cops about a crime he had witnessed, sources report. “I was walking out of 7-Eleven and I saw some guy letting the air out of the tires of this…
The Perfect Replacement for Karoline Leavitt
Alex Wong/Getty Images The current White House has an impressively deep bench of liars. But it will be hard for Donald Trump to find one as prolific as that firehose of falsehoods, Karoline Leavitt. That’s why I decided to help him out. I’ve…
I’m Tired of Being Told I Don’t Pay Rent When I Provide Free Therapy to Four Losers with Underdeveloped Frontal Lobes — Guest Column by a House Cat
I’m the housecat in a two-bedroom shared by four 23-year-old numbskulls, and I’m here to tell my story. I am sick and tired of being told I don’t pay rent when I am constantly providing free therapy to you… Basically old children. I know you think I…
Israel Kills Five Hamas Insurgents Living Inside the Face of a Baby
KHAN YUNIS, Palestine — Five Hamas insurgents living inside the face of a nursing infant have been eliminated, IDF Lieutenant General Eyal Zamir announced at a press conference Monday. “Mom was hiding the insurgents in the baby’s face,” explained…
AOC Freezing Her Eggs
As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think? “Give me a second to find a reason to be mad about…
Suck It, Remax! Hard Times Has a Hot Air Balloon Now
Well, if it isn’t the fancy-pants house peddlers. How’s business going for you guys? Ah, so nobody can afford a home because boomers are hoarding all the wealth and asking for $800k for homes they’ve never updated. Yeah, that’ll happen! Oh, but of course…
Audiophile Gets Hepatitis C From Dirty Vinyl Needle
BALTIMORE — A health and musical disaster occurred today as a man contracted hepatitis C from a dirty vinyl needle, confirmed sources. “I just wanted to listen to my commemorative vinyl of the podcast ‘Comedy Bang Bang,’” said audiophile and sickly freak…
Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence
The post Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence appeared first on The Onion.
Real Brian Thompson Assassin Having a Fucking Field Day Right Now
NEW YORK — Elliott Brock, the man who shot UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then allowed beloved dreamboat Luigi Mangione to take the fall, was reportedly over-the-moon excited by the news that Mangione has pleaded guilty and therefore secured his…
Opinion: Obsession Presents an Unrealistic Standard of How Many People Work at a Music Store
Curry Barker’s 2026 breakout hit Obsession has become an unmitigated Hollywood success story. Produced independently on a shoestring budget, the film has gone on to become one of the most popular horror films of the year. However, with its runaway…