John Fetterman Cedes Title of Most-Despised Democrat to Haley Stevens
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating philosophically that he “had a good run,” on Sunday Senator John Fetterman ceded the title of most-despised Democrat to Rep. Haley Stevens. Read more
A Very Nixon Halloween
The Richard Nixon Foundation When you’re living in the dystopian hellscape of 2026, the monsters of Halloween provide a welcome escape. Vampires, werewolves, and mummies are infinitely less alarming than Stephen Miller. With that in mind,…
How To Beat the Sunday Scaries by Realizing Time Is a Construct and Being Unemployed
Sunday gets a bad rap, despite being the one day when it’s socially acceptable to be drunk in public at 10 a.m. because football is on. For many people, though, there is no escaping that creeping realization as the days nears its end that they’ll have to…
Disney Hopes to Improve Public Image by Switching to Free-Range Child Stars
ORLANDO, Fla. — Disney executives announced today they will be switching to 100% free-range, humanely bred child stars in an effort to turn around the negative image surrounding their live-action children’s television practices, confirmed sources.…
Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses
The post Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses appeared first on The Onion.
Mother Stands Dead-Eyed Behind Child Explaining Anime Costume
JOPLIN, MO—With any interest or passion dissolving from her face the moment her son started to recount his favorite arc from the 2006 shōnen series, local mother Debra Carlisle was reportedly spotted Saturday evening standing dead-eyed behind her son as…
Horror Punk House Denies Halloween Candy to Any Child Who’s Listened to Post-‘Art of Drowning’ AFI
FORT WAYNE, Ind.— Residents of a horror punk house refused to distribute Halloween candy to children who have listened to any AFI songs past their 2000 album “The Art of Drowning,” confused sources report. “It’s just common sense,” inhabitant Elias…
Millennial Psychopath Hides Motorola Razrs in Candy Apples
SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Local 37-year-old man Jay Myers is giving a classic urban legend a 21st-century makeover by putting 2004 Motorola Razrs inside candy apples and giving them to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters on Halloween, confirmed sources. “I wanted to…
Anthony Davis Going To Halloween Party Right After Game
The post Anthony Davis Going To Halloween Party Right After Game appeared first on The Onion.
TBR Halloween Cartoon!
From New Yorker legend Tom Toro, a spooktacular zombie cartoon to get you in the Halloween spirit: Read more