Mark Carney for President!
How come Canada gets a leader who’s a world-famous economist while we’re stuck with Natalie Harp’s barely-sentient boyfriend? Dean Obeidallah and I discuss the possibility of the USA becoming Canada’s eleventh province—and…
Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run
The post Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run appeared first on The Onion.
U.S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic Limits
A leaked memo revealed that U.S. diplomats are subverting efforts to limit global plastic production, doing so as worldwide plastic pollution grows to over 57 million tons annually. What do you think? “It doesn’t matter what they do, the papier-mâché…
Five Episodes of “Singled Out” That Convinced Me Not To Vaccinate My Child
If you’re of millennial age, you probably remember the dating show “Singled Out,” wherein a contestant whittled down a pool of 50 prospective dates, ultimately landing on one winner to accompany them on a trip. You also likely remember their co-host,…
Metallica Releases ‘The Unforgiven V’ After Losing Count
LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica released the new single “The Unforgiven V” after apparently losing count, sources report. “We’ve been putting out these songs for a while,” frontman James Hetfield noted. “I remember the first on our self-titled…
Men’s Wearhouse Suit Comes With New Interpol Album Pre-Loaded
HOUSTON — Just days after announcing it would ramp up efforts to not go bankrupt again, Men’s Wearhouse unveiled its sole Fall 2026 piece, a single-breasted, slim-fit, dinner-with-appetizers suit that comes pre-loaded with Interpol’s new album, “This…
Donald Trump To Rename New Mexico ‘State America’
WASHINGTON — In the latest move of his tireless patriotic renaming crusade, President Donald Trump announced this morning that the State of New Mexico will henceforth be known as “State America.” “State America. It’s big! It’s a big, strong name.…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Larry Ellison
Larry Ellison is the co-founder and executive chairman of Oracle, as well as the largest shareholder of the Paramount Skydance Corporation. The Onion sat down with the billionaire to discuss his ventures. The Onion : How did you get into the…
Stella Lefty Admits Nepotism May Have Helped Her Get Groupon+
LOS ANGELES—Responding to scrutiny concerning her tech billionaire father, artist Stella Lefty admitted in an interview Friday that nepotism may have played a role in helping her get Groupon+. “I had to set up the account myself, but yeah, I definitely…
HHS Replaces Childhood Vaccination Schedule With List Of Recommended Animal Bites
WASHINGTON—Revising the former timetable to reflect its latest public guidelines, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services replaced the childhood vaccination schedule Friday with a list of recommended animal bites. “It’s highly important that…