Somersaulting RFK Jr. Excitedly Chases Own Penis Through Cabinet Meeting
WASHINGTON—Interrupting a heated discussion about national cybersecurity vulnerabilities with a series of high-pitched squeals, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly spent Thursday’s Cabinet meeting somersaulting across the…
Authorities Investigate Collision Between Trains From Chicago Traveling 80 MPH, DC Traveling 75 MPH
The post Authorities Investigate Collision Between Trains From Chicago Traveling 80 MPH, DC Traveling 75 MPH appeared first on The Onion.
I Was Almost Ready To Write Shane Gillis Off for His Misogyny – Then, Chris D’Elia Spoke
When I first saw Shane Gillis’s now infamous SNL monologue, I was as shocked and outraged as any of you. It was open mic-level cringe on arguably the highest stage in comedy, just lazy, casual misogyny with added tackiness of mentioning sauna hangs with…
5 Tips For Healthy Cannabis Use That You Will Completely Ignore
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, or you’ve just been really, really high, recreational cannabis is legal in almost half the country now. Oh, also, democracy collapsed. No relation. With more people experimenting with…
Maybe It’s The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I’m Proud Of What America’s Become
You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don’t think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and…
Macklemore or Less
The post Macklemore or Less appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Claims He Shared Cell With James Talarico In Insane Asylum
WASHINGTON—As he described their five-day stint in a padded room and warned Americans against voting for the U.S. Senate candidate, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that he shared a cell with James Talarico in an insane asylum. “Talarico…
Natalie Harp Raids Trump’s Underwear Drawer
WASHINGTON—After sneaking into his Executive Residence bedroom in order to acquire the commander-in-chief’s briefs, special assistant to the president Natalie Harp was reportedly caught Thursday raiding Donald Trump’s underwear drawer. “We heard…
The Senate Race Democrats Must Win
EMERGENCY EPISODE: There’s a race the Democrats must win to take control of the Senate—but the mainstream media aren’t talking about it. In this episode, I talk to the candidate who’s determined to win it. My podcast is usually a…
Stephen Miller Googles “Temu Return Policy” After Disastrous Outing for New Press Secretary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a widely panned debut by Katie Zacharia as the new White House press secretary, special advisor Stephen Miller took to Google to look up “Temu return policy” in an attempt to get reimbursed for his purchase from the…