NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car
NEW YORK—Citing the fact that “cars are fast and everyone likes them” as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. “Wouldn’t it be fun?…
Player Profile: Pete Crow-Armstrong
MLB star Pete Crow-Armstrong could become the first player in Cubs history to achieve a 40-40 campaign, hitting 40 home runs and stealing 40 bases in one regular season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the breakout center…
Plantation-Style Home
That’s right, we’re still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you don’t have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward. Reference #374809 The post Plantation-Style Home…
God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes
THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth. “Potatoes? As in the one…
Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes
BALTIMORE—In a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of…
Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness
INDIANAPOLIS—Profusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. “I hate to do this,…
McConnell’s Return Gives Kentucky Two Brain-dead Senators
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The long-awaited return of Mitch McConnell to Congress on Monday marked the first time in months that the state of Kentucky has enjoyed the attendance of two brain-dead senators. In addition to his fellow…
My Name Is Tendonitis, and Now That Your Life Is Already Falling Apart, It’s My Time To Shine
Hey, there. If you don’t know me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tendonitis, and now that your life is already falling apart, it’s time for me to make my presence known. It’s not that I want to ruin your life, per se. It’s just that it’s hard…
Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River
MADISON, Wis. — A new survey found that the poverty crisis in the U.S. is even worse than many experts thought, with the vast majority (89%) of Americans no longer able to afford living in a van down by the river. “We expected it to be bad but not…
Emmys Producers Warn Aging Stars Deadline For ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Midnight
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment was midnight. “Our ‘In…