RFK Jr. Says Lethal Injections Failed Because They Contained No Vaccines
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. argued that the two lethal injections failed because they contained no vaccines. “Pentobarbital alone is not a potent enough drug to stop the heart of a murderer. If you want to get the job done, you need at…
Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis
CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his…
Artist Profile: Madonna
Madonna took home seven awards at the VMAs on Sunday, making her the night’s biggest winner. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Madonna’s return to the spotlight. Age: Physically pains your mom to hear Biggest Hit: Goes on for a…
Sydney Sweeney, 200 Feet Away And Under A Space Blanket: Let’s See You Pervs Jerk Off To This
The post Sydney Sweeney, 200 Feet Away And Under A Space Blanket: Let’s See You Pervs Jerk Off To This appeared first on The Onion.
NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day
NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver’s job for…
Corn Maze Haunted Predominantly by Theatre Majors
SALEM, Ore. — A local, historically beloved corn maze at Briar Ridge Farms is receiving pushback from the community, who are complaining that the area appears to be haunted almost exclusively by theatre majors, confirmed sources. “Hey, I love theatre as…
We Rank Either the Insidious Movies or the Conjuring Movies Worst To Best. I Don’t Know, Pretty Sure It Was One of Those
Alright, let’s rank some horror movies! Unfortunately, it looks like I got stuck with PG13 bullshit from the past decade or so. It’s some series about a family that moves into a house with a demon in it? Oh wait, did they move into the house and there’s…
Nation Shocked That Darline Graham Not Stupidest Senator on Judiciary Committee
C-SPAN WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were still in a state of shock on Wednesday after discovering that Lindsey Graham’s sister Darline was not the stupidest member of the Senate Judiciary Committee. Although Graham…
Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus
WASHINGTON—Expressing shock and disgust that an unspeakable crime could occur at a place of higher learning, the U.S. populace was reportedly horrified this week to think that sexual assault could happen on a college campus. “You would just never imagine…
University Administration Says They Could’ve Punished Cornell 7 More Severely Had Any of Them Said ‘Free Palestine’
ITHACA, NY — Cornell University announced they would’ve had more flexibility in taking disciplinary action against seven alleged rapists if they were accused of something truly egregious, such as showing support for Palestinians, sources confirm. “The…