Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Fanning hype for its upcoming open-world sandbox game by teasing a copious collection of tracks from the legendary singer-songwriter and film composer, Rockstar Games announced in a press release Tuesday that the Grand Theft Auto VI…
Shane Gillis Issues Apology Statement: ‘It’s Like Nobody Even Heard the Part About My Fat Bitch Sisters!’
Shane Gillis, affectionately known among his peers as a “Wet Egg,” addressed recent backlash over his SNL monologue where he referred to women at a gym he allegedly visited as “whores”, insisting that claims of misogyny were baseless, out of context, and…
Death Toll of Online Girlfriends Soars After Air Strike on Russian Data Center
SASOVO, Russia – The death toll of the internet’s online girlfriends is expected to soar into the tens of thousands by week’s end after Ukraine’s devastating drone attack that left a Russian data center completely obliterated, right-wing…
Timeline Of President–Press Relations
Interactions between the president and the free press have been central to the United States since the nation’s founding. The Onion takes a look back at key moments that have shaped the executive branch’s relationship with the Fourth Estate. 1803 Local…
Late Uncle Remembered As Man Who Had Can Crusher In Garage
The post Late Uncle Remembered As Man Who Had Can Crusher In Garage appeared first on The Onion.
Smoothie Shop Workers Not As Excited For Man’s Birthday As Marketing Email Made It Seem
ARLINGTON, VA—Saying it was disappointing to enter the smoothie shop and not be greeted by streamers or decorations, local man Ryan Hunter confirmed Tuesday that workers at Sweetgrass Juicery were not as excited for his birthday as the marketing email…
The War on Cartoonists
Ann Telnaes In January 2025, Ann Telnaes, the Pulitzer-winning cartoonist for the Washington Post, announced that she was quitting the paper where she’d worked since 2008. She did so after her editor killed her (now famous) cartoon depicting WaPo…
It Is Time We Stop Sexualizing Sargon, Emperor of the Akkadian Empire and First Unifier of the Mesopotamian City-State
Uruk — Seriously: The Sargon thirst has gone too far. We get it. Really, we do. Sargon was a prolific conqueror, uniting the major city-states of Mesopotamia under one banner to create the first empire in human history. His bravery and vitality won him…
What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak
In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute?…
North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness
BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much…