‘Harry Potter’ Fans Force Relocation Of Undersea Cable To Avoid Fictional Elf’s Grave
Harry Potter fans forced the relocation of a multi-hundred million dollar undersea power cable they claimed would disturb the fake grave of the fictional house elf Dobby, the linkage now redirected to pass near actual Bronze Age human burial remains.…
Little League World Series Game Turned Off Due To Neither Team Having Big Fat Kid
BUFFALO, NY—Audibly groaning before declaring the event “a major letdown” compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday’s Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific…
Democratic Socialism: Myth Vs. Fact
Candidates from the left’s Democratic Socialists of America party have been gaining momentum around the country in primaries leading up to the midterms. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the DSA. MYTH: Socialist ideas have never…
White House Confirms It Customary For President To Start Press Conference With ‘Moo’
WASHINGTON—Defending the introductory barnyard sounds as typical for any commander-in-chief, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that it was customary for U.S. presidents to start a press conference with the word ‘moo.’ “Of course the left-wing…
Analysts Warn U.S. Economy Becoming Overly Dependent On Anne Hathaway
NEW YORK—Calling the current rate of theatrical releases starring the actress “unsustainable,” top analysts warned Wednesday that the U.S. economy was becoming overly dependent on Anne Hathaway. “Between Mother Mary, The Devil Wears Prada 2, The Odyssey,…
Trump Unveils New 250-Foot Gilded Catering Container For Presidential Travel
WASHINGTON—Touting the new vessel as an investment that could discreetly transport the nation’s chief executive for years to come, President Donald Trump unveiled Tuesday a new 250-foot gilded catering container for presidential travel. “This…
Shrinkflation on the Rise: Ticket Now Only Gets You One Duran
LOS ANGELES — The same ticket that used to get fans into a Duran Duran show will now only admit entry to a single Duran, sources confirmed. “I bought these tickets weeks ago, but I’m just now noticing they’re for a singular Duran,” said Dawit Davis,…
I Refuse To Get My Toddler Hooked on ‘Cocomelon’, So We Watch the Music Video for “Smack My Bitch Up” Instead
When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was, Will I keep it? Then I remembered I live in Texas and shifted to a choice a woman is allowed to make: Will I let this kid have screen time? I’m a realist, so obviously. But there’d be none of that…
Susan Collins Challenges Democratic Rival to Pearl-clutching Contest
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Throwing down the gauntlet in her reelection campaign, on Wednesday Senator Susan Collins challenged her Democratic rival, Troy Jackson, to what she called a “live, televised…
Golfer Resigns From Club After Faking Hole-In-One
Golfer Zach Holland resigned from WingHaven Country Club after faking a hole-in-one at a membership event, admitting fault after a video of the incident went viral. What do you think? “A country club is no place for a status-seeking phony.” Pete Hyslop,…