Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties
DARLINGTON, OH—In an obvious attempt to appeal to the county’s different demographic, U.S. House of Representatives candidate Jim Richardson reportedly showed up Monday to a campaign event in a rural part of Ohio’s 12 Congressional District…
49ers Owner Suspended From Doing Whatever It Is Owners Do
SANTA CLARA, California — In response to a recent prostitution-related arrest, the NFL has suspended San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York for the next six games, although it’s unclear what York is suspended from. “To clarify, Mr. York is not suspended from…
Trump’s Triumphal Arch By The Numbers
Trump has directed his administration to build a triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., to commemorate the nation’s 250th anniversary. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the new monument. 4 Barrons tall at highest point 17 Engraved…
Hiding in Plane Sight
The post Hiding in Plane Sight appeared first on The Onion.
Pat McAfee Nods During Aaron Rodgers’ 2-Hour Monologue On Virtues Of Eating Tar
INDIANAPOLIS—As he maintained steady eye contact and periodically murmured, “Yeah, man,” ESPN host Pat McAfee could be seen nodding along Tuesday during a broadcast of his talk show in which Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a…
Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him
WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him…
Eric Schmitt Hospitalized After Walking Into Wall
Saul Loeb / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In yet another setback for the embattled lawmaker, on Monday Senator Eric Schmitt (R-Missouri) was rushed to the hospital after walking into a wall. According to sources close to the…
Artist Excited to See What Completely Irrelevant Heated Argument Will Take Place in Comment Section of New Post
LOS ANGELES — Multidisciplinary artist Larry Berry is excited to see what completely irrelevant heated argument will take place in the comment section of a new Instagram post, eager sources confirmed. “My work is a lot about my own struggles with mental…
Jam Band Fan Swears They Like Good Music Too
DENVER — Local jam band connoisseur Trent Gordon recently found himself in the position of defending his musical tastes, confirmed sources. “Listen, I can’t help that I like jam bands. I got hooked on them in high school and haven’t been able to shake…
Baby Painted Purple For Vikings Game
The post Baby Painted Purple For Vikings Game appeared first on The Onion.