Man Doesn’t Like Who He Becomes When He’s Around Salsa
ST. LOUIS—Tearfully admitting that the lifelong problem had finally reached a breaking point, local man Darren Moore told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t like who he becomes when he’s around salsa. “There’s something about when a bowl of salsa…
Inter-Not-So-Stellar
The post Inter-Not-So-Stellar appeared first on The Onion.
Visit To Girlfriend’s Family Provides Illuminating Insight Into Why She’s Asian
CHICAGO—Saying he now saw the woman he’d been dating in a totally different light, local man Arthur Morris confirmed Tuesday that a recent visit to his girlfriend’s family provided illuminating insight into why she was Asian. “The first time…
Opinion “Eat, Sleep, Pretend Your Hobby Defines You as a Person, Repeat”
You’re a beautiful and unique snowflake, aren’t you? Of course you are, you fucking bad-ass! So, what’s your favorite hobby? Is it glass-blowing like this guy we’re in line behind with a t-shirt on that says “Eat, sleep,…
Trump Switches Podcast Appearance to Theo von, Leaving Joe Rogan Vulnerable to Iran Attack
AUSTIN, Texas — President Trump confirmed that he secretly abandoned a scheduled appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience due to an Iranian death threat, instead appearing last minute on Theo Von’s This Past Weekend. “It was the Secret Service’s call,”…
Report: Tennis-Racket-Shaped Bag Gotta Be Full Of Tennis Rackets
ESTES PARK, CO—Noting the bag’s elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking directly toward a tennis court, a new report released Tuesday concluded that the tennis-racket-shaped bag in local man Marcus Walman’s…
Gene Editing Used To Create Hypoallergenic Beagles
Geneticists used CRISPR to produce twin beagle pups who do not make the lead allergy-causing protein found in dogs, opening up new possibilities for gene-editing technologies. What do you think? “One day I’ll be able to edit my genes to make myself…
Pete Hegseth Orders Military Blockade Of Woman Attempting To Walk Away From Him
WASHINGTON—Saying he would not hesitate to use force if she continued to disobey his orders, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly ordered a military blockade Monday of a woman attempting to walk away from him in a D.C.-area bar. “Until further…
Ben Hopper
Anyone who didn’t know Ben Hopper, 16, would say it was cruel that he died so young. The post Ben Hopper appeared first on The Onion.
RFK Jr. Spreads Conspiracy Theory That His Mind is Being Controlled by Total Idiot
Mario Tama/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “most shocking conspiracy” he has ever unearthed, on Tuesday Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revealed that his mind is being controlled by a moron. “I don’t know…