Princess Diana Releases Bombshell Memoir
LONDON—In a damning memoir filled with explosive claims about her brutal treatment by the House of Windsor, Diana, the former Princess of Wales, has at long last given the public a firsthand account of her disturbing experiences living with the British…
Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump’s English Has Improved Since Last Visit
WASHINGTON—Marveling at how his American counterpart’s grasp of the difficult language had progressed, Chinese leader Xi Jinping told reporters Thursday that he was deeply impressed with how much President Donald Trump’s English had improved…
Record Executives Release Katseye For Daily Half Hour Of Yard Time
LOS ANGELES—Sounding a loud buzzer to signal that the pop stars were now permitted to leave the dance studio, Hybe x Geffen record executives were seen Thursday releasing Katseye for their daily half hour of yard time. “We make sure our global girl group…
Wendy’s Employees Undergo Mandatory “Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday” Training
DUBLIN, OH — After the surprise release of Wendy’s collaborative emo album, CEO Bob Wright announced that all store employees must undergo extensive mandatory training outlining the scene-defining feud between Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, restaurant…
Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI
WASHINGTON—Reflecting on the past fling and remarking how time had flown by, local golden retriever Daisy told reporters Thursday that she could not believe the guy she hooked up with 10 years ago was now the head of the FBI. “I remember seeing him on TV…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Robert Pattinson
Primetime star Robert Pattinson is receiving widespread acclaim for his portrayal of To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen. The Onion sat down with the actor to discuss his craft, his career, and what’s next. The Onion : What creative liberties did you…
Line of Juggalo Suitors Forms in the Hopes of Courting Young Juggalette
DETROIT — A line of juggalo suitors formed outside the bedroom window of 19-year-old juggalette Katie Gerwin in the hopes of winning her favor, sources report. “I noticed Katie at last week’s Gathering of the Juggalos, and she really struck my fancy,”…
Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’
CHICAGO—Saying the man promised visitors access to the “real show,” onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called “Barry’s Magical Experience.”…
Hitler Estate Sues Trump for Stealing Arch Design
Kevin Carter/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The estate of Adolf Hitler sued Donald J. Trump on Thursday for what it called the “blatant theft” of the late German chancellor’s design for an arch of triumph in Berlin.…
USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga
The post USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga appeared first on The Onion.