Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution
In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think? “My money’s on the firing…
White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass
WASHINGTON—Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. “No one should be…
Chris Farley, George Wendt Welcome Da Coach, Mike Ditka, To Join Da Bears Talk in Da Heaven
CHICAGO — Mike Ditka, legendary Pro Football Hall of Famer better known as Da Coach of Da Bears, was welcomed to Da Heaven by two of his favorite fans, comedy icons Chris Farley and George Wendt, for a long-overdue episode of ‘Swerski’s Superfans.’…
Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual
GREENSBORO, NC—Growing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. “His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were…
Pentagon to Livestream Firing Squad Execution Exclusively on somethingrotten.com
ARLINGTON, Va. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan on December 3rd will be publicly live-streamed on a newly revived somethingrotten.com, Pentagon officials have…
FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger As Seditious Activity
WASHINGTON—Vowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity…
What To Know About ‘The Social Reckoning’
Sixteen years after the release of The Social Network, follow-up film The Social Reckoning is coming to theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sequel. Q: Who’s the writer and director? A: Aaron Sorkin and, unfortunately,…
DNA Provides More Evidence Thomas Jefferson Fathered Children With Sally Hemings
DNA analysis of a lock of Thomas Jefferson’s hair has provided the strongest genetic evidence yet that he did in fact father at least one child with the enslaved woman Sally Hemings, as has long been speculated. What do you think? “The Federalists are…
Recipe For Disaster
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Cornell Tries Going By Different Name
ITHACA, NY—In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastily announced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. “We determined that the best way forward…