Zuckerberg Insists SOS Would Have Reached More Yachts if Endangered Boat Boosted It for $10
ALASKA — Mark Zuckerberg doubled down on claims that his yacht did not hear the distress call of a nearby skiff that had run out of fuel, insisting that the stranded vessel could have easily boosted engagement for just $10, oceaninc sources…
Eli Roth Admits Most Of ‘Ice Cream Man’ Not Made Using AI
LOS ANGELES—In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. “I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely…
Tips For Starting Your Own Business
Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough…
Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems
The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think? “Huh. My water doesn’t taste more Iranian than usual.” Sal Quintero,…
The Rails
Why settle down in one place when the whole country can be your home? Grab your bindle, hop one of these boxcars, and you’ll always have a roof over your head and a corner to defecate in. Reference #368409 The post The Rails appeared first on The Onion.
‘Same Great Taste’ Caveat Mitigates Trauma Of Snack’s New Look
PHOENIX—Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources…
Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson
NAPERVILLE, IL—Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker’s effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson,…
Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species
WASHINGTON—With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nation’s…
Experts Say Pentagon Has Used Up Its Entire Stockpile of Mascara
Jim Watson / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a worrying development for the US military, the Pentagon has exhausted its entire supply of mascara, defense analysts warned on Monday. The depletion of mascara reserves is only…
The Next Dave Grohl? This Guy Was in a Band and Now He’s in Another One
Locals tuned into the music scene all have their eyes on one musician this week, and the question on everyone’s lips: Is this guy the next Dave Grohl? All we really know about Evan Woodward is that he was in a band and now he’s performing with this other…