Trump: Vote for the Cheesecake Factory and Jon Husted’s Ass
With just 5 days until the election, Donald Trump has made his closing argument: Democrats are far-left lunatics who hate The Cheesecake Factory—and Jon Husted has an amazing ass. I discuss this intriguing strategy and make some midterm predictions…
Patrick Stewart Reappears as Force Ghost Just To Piss You Nerds Off
LOS ANGELES—Sir Patrick Stewart, the beloved actor who passed away earlier today, most famous for his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard on ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation,’ has reportedly appeared before numerous nerds across the country as a ‘Star Wars’…
Pope Asserts There No Such Thing As Holy War
Pope Leo XIV denounced the idea that a war could be justified by religion, claiming only peace is holy. What do you think? “That’s fine. We’ve got plenty of other reasons to kill each other.” Josh Ashdot, Salvage Consultant “That’s not what God told me.”…
Mary Peltola Insists Scheme To Put Second Dan Sullivan On Ballot Orchestrated By Mary F. Peltola
The post Mary Peltola Insists Scheme To Put Second Dan Sullivan On Ballot Orchestrated By Mary F. Peltola appeared first on The Onion.
Republicans Privately Urging Trump To Not Be President Leading Up To Midterms
WASHINGTON—Saying the gesture would boost his party’s electoral prospects at a crucial moment, Republicans have been privately urging President Donald Trump to not be president in the run-up to next week’s midterms, sources confirmed today.…
Head Removed For National Anthem
The post Head Removed For National Anthem appeared first on The Onion.
‘People’ Does Single Buddy A Solid By Naming Him Sexiest Man Alive
NEW YORK—In an effort to boost the local man’s self-esteem, People magazine reportedly did single buddy Dominic Johnson a favor Thursday by naming him the “Sexiest Man Alive.” “Sure, Sterling K. Brown or Alan Ritchson might have him beat in the…
What To Know About ‘Wicker’
Wicker, a new romantic fantasy film, stars Olivia Colman as a fisherwoman and Alexander Skarsgård as the husband who was created for her by a basket weaver. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is this movie for? A: People…
Local Guy Still Stoked From Using ‘Liminal’ in Conversation Two Weeks Ago
MANAYUNK, Penn. — Brunch-goer Edwin Smaddle remains totally stoked two weeks after properly using the word “liminal” in conversation, witnesses of the verbal feat reported. “As the word left my mouth it felt like the hand of God reached down from the…
Experts Find Skrillex Most Common Sleep Paralysis Demon for People Who Attended College in 2010
CORAL GABLES, Fla. — Experts at the University of Miami determined through rigorous research that the most common sleep paralysis demon among individuals who attended college in 2010 is none other than American DJ Skrillex. “We theorize that it’s a…