Trump To Cut Off Aid To Israel
President Trump announced the U.S. would terminate $4 billion in aid to Israel at the end of the year, claiming “they don’t need it.” What do you think? “We can put that $4 billion towards building more arches.” Billy Kroezen, Rim Salter “But obviously…
Distraught Russell Brand Attempts To Overdose On Jewelry
The post Distraught Russell Brand Attempts To Overdose On Jewelry appeared first on The Onion.
Fed Up King Gizzard Fans Demand to Know When Polka Album Being Released
MELBOURNE, Australia — Fans of King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard are voicing their frustrations on social media this week, demanding an update on when the band will release their inevitable polka album, the group’s record label has confirmed. “It’s been…
Bain Capital Acquires Tibetan Buddhism For $35 Million
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In a move that adds diverse value to the global investment firm’s holdings, Bain Capital announced Thursday the acquisition of Tibetan Buddhism, financing a $35 million deal for a controlling stake in the religion. Bain corporate…
Cult Ascended To Heaven Here
The media reported it as a mass suicide, but you can choose to see the glass half full. The post Cult Ascended To Heaven Here appeared first on The Onion.
Alex Garland Regrets Blowing Most Of ‘Elden Ring’ Budget On DEX
NEW YORK—Voicing concern that he had misallocated much of the $200 million A24 had provided, director Alex Garland made remarks Thursday in which he expressed regret for having blown most of the budget for his Elden Ring movie adaptation on DEX. “Of…
Tips For Writing A Novel
The National Book Awards will take place Nov. 18, with novelists Edwidge Danticat and Hannah Lillith Assadi among the finalists for fiction. The Onion shares tips for writing your own novel. Save time by writing all of the e’s first. Visualize your…
As Good As It Gets
You can refresh Zillow all you want, but this 2-bedroom mess in a run-down neighborhood is all you can afford, and no amount of wishing or daydreaming is going to change that. The post As Good As It Gets appeared first on The Onion.
The Dump
Oh, is Mr. Fancy Pants too good for the dump? Is Mr. Big Time too precious to live in the municipal landfill? Grow up. The post The Dump appeared first on The Onion.
Study Finds Human Brain Capable Of Storing Up To 40 Things
PROVIDENCE, RI—In breakthrough research that upends prevailing notions of human cognitive capacity, a new study published Wednesday by scientists at Brown University found that the brain is capable of storing up to 40 things. “We’ve always known the…