Review: Meta Glasses — Finally, a Cybertruck for My Dumb, Mouth-Breather Face
I always wanted a Cybertruck, but times are tight — my credit score is horrible, and I don’t have a driver’s license, so the Tesla dealership referred me to a bus stop to go buy some Meta Glasses instead. Meta Glasses are just like regular glasses,…
Belly Rub Canceled After Seeing How Close Dog’s Genitals Are to Stomach
KĪHEI, Hawaii — Dog owner Ikaika Kahale decided not to rub his new rescue dog Burt’s belly after noticing how close his genitals are to his stomach, weirded-out sources report. “I just adopted Burt last week, and it’s taken him a while to warm up to me,”…
What To Know About ‘One Night Only’
One Night Only opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What’s the premise? A: In a dystopian alternate reality, dating is sorta awkward and hard to navigate. Q: Who are the leads? A: Two attractive…
Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts
Truth Social launched a subscription service allowing Wall Street firms to gain advanced access to Trump’s “market-moving” posts, receiving them milliseconds before the general public. What do you think? “It’s almost like you’re right there in the…
Michelle Zhang-Russo
Michelle Zhang-Russo, 54, died expectedly to everyone who knows you should never order oysters from a restaurant on a Monday. The post Michelle Zhang-Russo appeared first on The Onion.
Vacationing Mom Misses Alexa
MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Sighing loudly as she gazed at the empty countertop in the family’s rented condo, vacationing mom Jan Freehorn told reporters Friday that she missed her Alexa. “This is the first time I’ve left Alexa home all by herself,” said the…
We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99 Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like
Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best efforts—and considerable hunger—we seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks…
Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting ‘Suck On This’
BALTIMORE—Calling the study’s findings “revolutionary” for anyone currently staring down a henchman or terrorist, a study from Johns Hopkins University published Thursday found that the explosive power of a rocket launcher increased by…
Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew
HAMDEN, CT—Admitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of American voters responding to a Quinnipiac University poll published Thursday revealed that their greatest concern going into the 2026 midterms was…
Iran Says it Will Reopen Strait if Trump Admits He Lost in 2020
Planet Volumes on Unsplash TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, the government of Iran announced on Thursday that it would only reopen the Strait of Hormuz when he admits he lost the 2020 election. “The whole…