GOP Sees Surge In Turnout From First-Time Voter Intimidators

WASHINGTON—Crediting the increased participation to a months-long outreach campaign, Republican Party officials reported a surge in turnout Tuesday from first-time voter intimidators. “It’s inspiring to see so many newly registered Republicans grab their first assault rifle and show up at the polls to scare the shit out of voters,” said Republican National Committee chair Joe Gruters, who added that many of the individuals seen screaming threats outside voters’ cars had never before menacingly brandished a lead pipe or charged at citizens while shooting live rounds into the air. “This is the direct result of our extensive grassroots work going door to door to incite violence. A lot of these voter intimidators have to wait in long lines for many hours to beat up minorities. It’s inspiring to see people coming together and standing up for the intimidation they know will effect real change in this country. Hopefully, this is just the beginning of a larger, lifelong commitment to suppressing democracy.” Gruters went on to state that he was equally encouraged by the rapid rise in first-time assassination attempts on elected Democrats.

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