Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine
SEATTLE — Liberal punk band The Living Kennedys has had enough and taken the drastic step of writing a strongly worded letter addressed to The Machine, confirmed sources.
“We’re just as mad about the state of affairs as the rule-breakers. We just believe in navigating things through the proper channels. We want The Machine to know we’re mad as heck and would not like to take it very much longer, respectfully,” said the band’s lead vocalist and author of the letter, Jell-O’Rourke. “We took The Machine to task for a number of things. For instance, the Military Industrial Complex is a trillion-dollar industry, and the companies profiting off trafficking weapons and human misery do not have nearly enough women in leadership roles. Additionally, every chocolate bar sold in the United States was harvested by slaves, child slaves at that! Those child slaves should be allowed to attend school, on a merit basis. The boot stamping on mankind’s face since the beginning of time should use gender inclusive language. We dream of a future where the boot stomps on the face of humankind.”
The Machine of global capital, imperialism, and systemic oppression responded to the band’s letter.
“We have heard your concerns and want to commend The Living Kennedys for pushing for change the right way,” said The Machine. “Inclusive language is so important to The Machine, as we also use they/them pronouns. People assume all soulless, cold, unfeeling machinery is binary, but we are often coded by many people on the spectrum. To show how seriously we take these matters, we are making a commitment to include more women, POC, and LGBTQIA+ persons in our advertising.”
The band’s guitarist Robert Francis reacted to The Machine’s statements.
“One day the humanity of all people regardless of race, religion, or creed will be put on a ballot, and my kids will be able to vote on it,” Francis said, pausing to wipe a tear from his cheek. “And hey, check out my new sticker for my guitar. It reads ‘This machine defeats fascism through Hegelian dialectics which synthesizes a better future by combining the best ideas from both sides.’ Pretty badass, right?”
At press time, fans of the band were too preoccupied with brunch to comment.
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