I Refuse To Get My Toddler Hooked on ‘Charlie Brown’, So This Halloween We’ll Watch ‘Terrifier 2’ Instead
I’ll never forget the taunting instrumental jazz diddy, the dirty children with their scrawled notebook faces, the emaciated outhouse dog with his brain-damaged loyalism. Yes, I’m talking about Peanuts, the psychotic crew of precocious depressives, and…
Surgeons Amputate Wrong Leg
An Ohio woman sued a hospital after surgeons there allegedly amputated the wrong leg, mistakenly removing her left leg instead of the intended right. What do you think? “So they get no credit for leaving her arms attached?” José Ariceaga, Bingo Master…
Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’
NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming “Basketball Night” promotion honoring the popular sport. “Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown…
New Mexico Changes Name to “Fuck Trump”
Jeffrey Keenan on Unsplash SANTA FE (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Donald J. Trump’s demand that it change its name to “New America,” on Thursday New Mexico announced that it was renaming itself “Fuck Trump.” The…
Fired General Warned Of Missile Shortages Before Iran War
Gen. Randy George, the Army chief of staff since ousted by Defense Secretary Hegseth, warned of critically low stockpiles of U.S. interceptor missiles two months before the Iran War started, estimating the shortage would last until 2030. What do you…
American Conservatives Confused Why French Populace Refuses To Surrender
DALLAS, Tex.—Conservatives across the United States expressed shock and confusion upon seeing footage of the ongoing riots across France, primarily over the fact that the country’s populace was not instinctively surrendering to riot police, a new poll…
Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain
Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain Beyond its laws and leaders, what has allowed the United States to prosper for so long is the unique physiology of its most ardent citizens. Here is a complete diagram of a patriot’s brain. Explore the brain in…
Whoever Says My Name On TV Gets My Vote
With the election fast approaching, the stakes for democracy couldn’t be clearer. We’re deciding the fate of our country for the next two years. Because of that, some voters will base their decisions purely on party. Others have specific issues in mind.…
Phoebe Bridgers Sends Warning To Fans By Executing Phone On Stage
SALT LAKE CITY—Emphasizing that the ban on electronic recording devices was a rule, not a suggestion, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers reportedly sent a warning to fans at the Delta Center on Wednesday by executing a phone on stage. “Well, well, well,…
Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S.
WASHINGTON—In a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at one’s wife as the official language of the United…