Iran Says it Will Reopen Strait if Trump Admits He Lost in 2020
Planet Volumes on Unsplash TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, the government of Iran announced on Thursday that it would only reopen the Strait of Hormuz when he admits he lost the 2020 election. “The whole…
Worm Leaves Scathing Yelp Review of RFK Jr.’s Brain
Mario Tama/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the latest rebuke to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s tenure as Health Secretary, on Wednesday a worm who dined in the candidate’s brain posted a brutal review on Yelp. The…
Andy Beshear Demands to Know if Rand Paul is Brain-Dead
Maxine Wallace/The Washington Post via Getty Images FRANKFORT, KENTUCKY (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation “unacceptable to the people of my state,” on Tuesday Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear demanded to know whether or not…
New Poll Reveals Trump Less Popular Than Explosive Diarrhea
AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In alarming news for Republicans heading into the midterm elections, a new poll released on Monday revealed that Donald J. Trump is less popular than explosive diarrhea. By a margin of two to…
Other COVID Origin Stories Rand Paul Should Investigate
Sen. Rand Paul, who became a COVID investigator after an illustrious career as a COVID superspreader. (Photo: Alex Wroblewski / AFP via Getty Images) After a tense hearing on Wednesday in which Senator Rand Paul grilled Dr. Anthony Fauci about the…
Who’s Elise Stefanik Sucking up to Now?
A rare moment during the 2019 impeachment inquiry when Stefanik’s mouth was shut. (Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images) Poor Elise Stefanik. She spent a decade strenuously sucking up to Donald Trump and came up empty. Now she’s…
Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD Vance
Simone Risoluti Vatican Media via Vatican Pool/Getty Images VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic doctrine, on Wednesday Pope Leo XIV announced that the Church would relax its prohibition against birth…
Hegseth Freaks Out After Testing Positive for Estrogen
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly “exploded with rage” on Tuesday after a blood test he had required for all service members over 30 showed that he had…
Unconscious Mitch McConnell Scores Higher Approval Rating Than Conscious Version
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented political comeback, the entirely unconscious Mitch McConnell has garnered a vastly higher approval rating than the conscious version, a new poll revealed on Monday.…
The Logic Behind Trump’s Saudi Nuclear Deal, Applied to Other Situations
What could go wrong? (Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images) With the Iran War reignited, Donald Trump has turned his attention from denuclearizing Iran towards nuclearizing Saudi Arabia. On Wednesday, he struck a deal that will allow the Saudis to develop…