On a Roll: Democrats Win House, Senate, America’s Next Top Model
WASHINGTON — Democrats are on a hot streak after winning the United States House of Representatives, Senate, and reality television competition show “America’s Next Top Model,” confirmed sources.
“It is an honor to serve this country as a hot representative,” said newly elected Texas senator and one of America’s next top models James Talarico while wearing a “Talarico in the streets, Tala-freak-o in the sheets” shirt. “We all know my opponent was a corrupt political crook and, more importantly, a repulsive ogre who had no business serving the American people or serving looks on the local catwalk. My first order of business will be to provide citizens with necessary tax relief and universal basic photoshoots. I want to thank the Texas voters and Tyra Banks, specifically, for giving me such an incredible opportunity. I will not let my constituents or Ralph Lauren down.”
Left-leaning Americans were thrilled about the “bluenami” infiltrating the government and reality television.
“I mean, have you seen Abdul El-Sayed next to Mike Rogers? No question who deserves to represent me on the runway,” said lifelong Democrat Eli Gerry. “There are three qualities I want in a politician: compassion, empathy, and a photogenic face with an ability to translate expression, mood, and movement effectively onto a camera lens or runway. Some say that last one is most important when running for office. That’s why Bernie Sanders is so loved.”
Experts wondered whether the Democrats’ victories stopped here.
“The blue wave is seemingly seismic,” said Democratic strategist James Carville. “First we get the House. Then we win the Senate. Of course then we win ‘America’s Next Top Model,’ which has been our goal for decades. What’s next, you ask? Well, we’re coming for you, ‘Survivor.’ And we’re not hitting the brakes there. I’m talking ‘American Ninja Warrior,’ ‘Legends of the Hidden Temple’ if and when it gets rebooted, and of course ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race.’”
At press time, Republican politicians attempted to lick their wounds by reminding American citizens that they once won “The Biggest Loser” in 2020.
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