What’s the Catch? Bananas Cheap as Fuck for Some Reason

Nowhere is the skyrocketing cost of living more evident than at the grocery store, where everything’s expensive, with one exception: bananas, which on average cost only twenty‑five cents. That’s basically free in this economy, and the fact that nobody ever talks about this is suspicious. What gives? 

Apparently, one multinational corporation dominates the global banana export market: the Chiquita Banana Company, aka Chiquita Brands International. I was able to contact a rep from this company who was able to pull back the curtain and explain how they’ve been able to ethically keep costs down for the consumer. In a world of rampant corporate greed, it’s refreshing to finally find a company that cares about the little guy.

The rep who I spoke to was named Corporal Jack Gonzalez. During the Zoom call from his office, which had an eclectic design aesthetic with giant plastic bananas to what looked like a plethora of automatic rifles hanging on the wall, he gave me a fascinating look at his company. 

Mr. Jack told me that their number one rule is for customers to be able to enjoy their fruit at affordable prices. Kind of like how Costco keeps their hot dogs so dirt cheap. A main reason they’ve historically been able to do this is by partnering with various organizations that are trusted to keep their supply secure, like the United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia (AUC), the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC), as well as numerous other “security contractors.” Talk about a great non-traditional supply chain partnership!

He also mentioned a famous event between their organization and some bad actors in 1928 that left many dead during the “Banana Massacre.” He spoke fondly of this time and insisted it was necessary to prevent a group of thieving union workers who wanted to inflate the price of bananas through their mafia-style extortion demand for basic labor rights. Thank God they were stopped; otherwise we might be paying upwards of thirty cents for them!

I wish we could have continued our meeting, but it abruptly ended after a grumpy man with more medals on his uniform entered, demanded to know who I was working for, and then the video went black. But by the loud bangs I heard, which I assume were fireworks, they were celebrating another successful banana haul.

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