TSA Agent Pats Down Family at End of Long Workday
DALLAS — Arriving home after a strenuous 12-hour shift at the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport, Transportation Security Administration agent Larry Prosky greeted his family with a loving pat-down to close out his workday, confirmed sources. “When…
Weird Cleveland Browns Fan Has No Children On Team
CLEVELAND—Struggling to comprehend why anyone would voluntarily be there without a loved one on the field, sources at Sunday’s Cleveland Browns game expressed confusion over a fan who did not appear to have a child on the team. “Wait…so he just wanted to…
7 National Parks Perfect for Watching AI Anime Porn While Sports-Betting
Have you ever been cranking it to digital anime in the woods when you hear a particular bird call? Have you ever been watching your latexed waifu get reamed when a bizarre mountain range catches your eye? Thanks to AI, birdsong of local species can…
McDonald’s Debuts Clearance Menu
CHICAGO — McDonald’s rolled out a new McClearance Menu to all 14,000 corporate and franchise locations in the United States, sources confirmed. “The McClearance Menu isn’t just a good deal. It’s offering the McDonald’s favorites you love for 90 to 95%…
Hegseth Haiku Contest Finalists!
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images Last Sunday, TBR published The Private Haiku Journal of Pete Hegseth after the Secretary of Defensiveness accidentally texted it to us. Since then, TBR subscribers have flooded us with entries to our Hegseth Haiku Contest. Now…
What To Know About Trump’s Russia Diesel Deal
In an effort to lower gas prices ahead of the midterm elections, President Trump agreed to temporarily lift sanctions on Russian diesel exports. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the energy deal struck with Russian President Vladimir…
Dick Pic Achieves Lifelong Dream of Being Solicited
LAS VEGAS — After years of being blocked and sent to spam by women for being unsolicited, a dick pic has achieved its lifelong dream of being solicited, confirmed sources. “Solicitation is the top of Mount Everest in the dick pic world. Most dick pics…
Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show
PHOENIX — Concertgoers in their late 30s and older are entering venues with a swath of mobility and sensory aids, perplexed and energetic younger attendees report. “Half the time the metal detector wand isn’t even on, I just scan over people if my…
George Santos Named New White House Press Secretary
Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Following the abrupt departure of White House press secretary Katie Zacharia, Donald J. Trump announced that her replacement would be the former congressman George…
Katie Zacharia Fired Just as Soon as She Finishes Reading Her Termination Letter
WASHINGTON — Embattled White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia has been fired following a disastrous debut, according to everyone except for Zacharia, who is still sounding out the termination letter. “I’ve just been handed a letter I’m supposed to…