DC Clarifies ‘Clayface’ Not Connected To Matt Reeves’ ‘Batman’ Unless It Actually Is
BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was.…
Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God
VATICAN CITY—In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. “To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your…
Bon Iver Reveals ‘Skinny Love’ About Snapping Into a Slim Jim
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Singer-songwriter Justin Vernon, better known by his indie folk band moniker Bon Iver, revealed that his hit single “Skinny Love” is about snapping into a Slim Jim, Vernon confirmed. “You know, I feel like it’s been long enough and…
Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities
CHICAGO—Dashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a…
‘Now My Breasts Are Over Here,’ Announces Sydney Sweeney Peeking Out From Oak Tree
LOS ANGELES—Peeking out from behind the trunk with a mischievous grin on her face, actress Sydney Sweeney announced, “Now my breasts are over here!” from behind an old oak tree Friday. “He-he, it’s me,” said the 29-year-old Euphoria and Anyone But You…
Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price
SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I…
Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her
DAVENPORT, IA—In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on “this day of all days,” the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. “It’s just ‘me, me,…
Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly
The post Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Holmes
You Can See Everything, a documentary that follows Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes in the month before her prison sentence, has debuted to critical acclaim. The Onion sat down with Holmes to discuss what’s new. The Onion : Can we get you anything…
Supreme Court Finally Makes Landmark Ruling on ‘Freddy vs. Jason’ Case
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court finally arrived at a landmark decision on the infamous case between Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees, confirmed sources who were finally ready to put this proceeding to bed. “As we all know, SCOTUS looks at every case…