Melania Can’t Believe Trump Thinks They Have a “Let’s Take the Cyanide Together” Level Relationship
WASHINGTON—Melania Trump, wife of President Trump, was reportedly confused and extremely put off by her husband’s recent assumption that, when the time came, they would die together, sources within the White House confirm. “As soon as the…
YES WE CAN Only Have 44 Or So Senators Backing a Fascist Child Molester
Hey fam, remember optimism? You know, from the Obama years? Well, guess the fuck what? We’re doing it again! It’s been a rough decade, but I, for one, am PROUD to say I live in a country where only 44% of my most powerful legislative body supports an…
On a Roll: Democrats Win House, Senate, America’s Next Top Model
WASHINGTON — Democrats are on a hot streak after winning the United States House of Representatives, Senate, and reality television competition show “America’s Next Top Model,” confirmed sources. “It is an honor to serve this country as a hot…
James Talarico Cackles Maniacally as Hordes of Gender-Affirming Surgeons Descend Upon Texas
AUSTIN, Texas — Recently elected Democratic senator James Talarico was seen laughing maniacally as hordes of gender-affirming surgeons were unleashed throughout the state of Texas following his historic victory Tuesday, sources report. “Fools!” the…
Trump Renames Gulf of America to Gulf of Mexico for Crucial Hispanic Support
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump declared that the United States of America will revert the Gulf of America’s name back to Gulf of Mexico for crucial pre-midterm Hispanic support, unconvinced sources confirm. “Sleepy Joe changed the name of this…
Chuck Schumer Warns That Winning Goes Against the Aims of the Democratic Party
WASHINGTON — Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer warned that recent victories for Democratic candidates go against the aims of the Democratic Party, confirmed sources. “If we wanted to win, we would,” wrote Schumer in a strongly written letter to his…
Rank-And-File Democrat Reaches Across Aisle To Trip Progressive Candidate
WASHINGTON—Representative Haley Stevens, a proud establishment democrat and supporter of Israel, metaphorically and literally reached across the aisle yesterday to endorse Republican candidate Mike Rogers and trip progressive candidate Abdul El-Sayed…
What’s the Catch? Bananas Cheap as Fuck for Some Reason
Nowhere is the skyrocketing cost of living more evident than at the grocery store, where everything’s expensive, with one exception: bananas, which on average cost only twenty‑five cents. That’s basically free in this economy, and the fact that nobody…
Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine
SEATTLE — Liberal punk band The Living Kennedys has had enough and taken the drastic step of writing a strongly worded letter addressed to The Machine, confirmed sources. “We’re just as mad about the state of affairs as the rule-breakers. We…
How To Beat the Sunday Scaries by Realizing Time Is a Construct and Being Unemployed
Sunday gets a bad rap, despite being the one day when it’s socially acceptable to be drunk in public at 10 a.m. because football is on. For many people, though, there is no escaping that creeping realization as the days nears its end that they’ll have to…