Review: Meta Glasses — Finally, a Cybertruck for My Dumb, Mouth-Breather Face
I always wanted a Cybertruck, but times are tight — my credit score is horrible, and I don’t have a driver’s license, so the Tesla dealership referred me to a bus stop to go buy some Meta Glasses instead. Meta Glasses are just like regular glasses,…
Belly Rub Canceled After Seeing How Close Dog’s Genitals Are to Stomach
KĪHEI, Hawaii — Dog owner Ikaika Kahale decided not to rub his new rescue dog Burt’s belly after noticing how close his genitals are to his stomach, weirded-out sources report. “I just adopted Burt last week, and it’s taken him a while to warm up to me,”…
DNC Establishment Alarmed Over Growing Trend of Radical Muslims Hellbent on Providing Affordable Housing and Healthcare
DETROIT — Progressive Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed’s defeat of centrist Nikki Haley raised alarm bells for establishment Democrats, according to weeping DNC sources. “We’re all in shock. We did everything right and still El-Sayed won. AIPAC gave us…
Last Couple Hours of Acid Trip Spent Doing Laundry
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Pendleton spent the last stretch of his 10-hour LSD trip doing laundry, pragmatic sources confirmed. “Man, it was so awesome to open up my consciousness today and feel such an overwhelming sensation of love and connection…
We Look Back on the ‘Saved by the Bell’ Episode Where Zack and the Gang Help the Menendez Brothers Murder Their Parents
Pretty much everybody has seen at least one episode of ‘Saved by the Bell,’ the saccharine high school comedy in which a group of teens, led by charismatic psychopath Zack Morris, got into endless hijinks ranging from stupid to really fucking stupid.…
Concert ASL Interpreter Does Jerk-Off Motion During Kid Rock’s Entire Set
HASTINGS, Mich. — Concert ASL interpreter Alyssa Morgan became an instant celebrity after wowing the crowd doing the jerk-off motion the entirety of Kid Rock’s set, venue employees have confirmed. “I take a lot of pride in helping remove barriers for the…
Adorable Dog Mayor of Small Town Approves Data Center
BARKLEY, Ore. — Residents gathered Tuesday evening outside Town Hall to protest Mayor Waffles, a five-year-old dog, after he approved a controversial 2.3 million-square-foot data center project expected to transform the local economy and consume more…
Two-Armed Drummer in Def Leppard Tribute Band Clearly Hasn’t Committed to the Bit
MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Craig Towney, the two-armed drummer for Def Leppard tribute band Sugarpourers, clearly demonstrated that he’s not willing to commit to the bit, sources report. “I’m really having fun playing in Sugarpourers, but I know that I haven’t…
Oh, You’re a Cannibal Corpse Fan? Name Three Torture Porn Movies
A Cannibal Corpse fan, huh? Like your music pummelling and your lyrics gory, do ya That’s neat ’n all, but then that fandom should extend to the cinematic equivalent — torture porn. Gimme three torture porn films right now, or don’t ever talk about being…
Progressive Free-Spirited College Town Not Fucking Around When It Comes To Parking Enforcement
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Davis Square, a bustling and inclusive neighborhood, boasts a diverse arts scene, a fiercely independent business community, and a parking enforcement agency that will fuck up someone’s whole day, locally-made-kombucha-sipping sources…