What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana
SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be “the biggest launch site on Earth.” The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana A: To give…
AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers ‘Computer Parties’
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers “computer parties.” “While…
Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past
ARLINGTON, TX—Noting the text was “chock-full” of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. “He definitely has an ax to grind,…
Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Hoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of “Philadelphia Eagles”–themed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise…
Activists Decry Meat Industry’s Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles
NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves…
Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Aren’t Cheez-Its
CARLSBAD, CA—Desperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that weren’t Cheez-Its.…
Mike Johnson Begs God to Rapture Him Before Midterms
Alex Wong/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing a Republican wipeout in November, on Tuesday House Speaker Mike Johnson begged God to “rapture him up” before the midterm elections. Witnesses in the US Capitol reportedly…