What’s the Catch? Bananas Cheap as Fuck for Some Reason
Nowhere is the skyrocketing cost of living more evident than at the grocery store, where everything’s expensive, with one exception: bananas, which on average cost only twenty‑five cents. That’s basically free in this economy, and the fact that nobody…
66 Horror Movie Kills That Would Look Cooler if Donald Trump (Who Has Acted Before) Was in Them—We Can Say That, Right?
From his role as ‘VIP Patron’ in 54 to his tour de force as ‘Forbes Cover Billionaire’ in something called “Horrorween,” when it comes to American actors, Donald Trump is undeniably one of them. Frankly, we think he’s underrated! Who could forget his…
American Conservatives Confused Why French Populace Refuses To Surrender
DALLAS, Tex.—Conservatives across the United States expressed shock and confusion upon seeing footage of the ongoing riots across France, primarily over the fact that the country’s populace was not instinctively surrendering to riot police, a new poll…
Help! My Housecleaner Is the Little Old Lady From “Poltergeist”, and She’s Half-Assing Every Chore
Though my rent is so high that I can’t afford toothpaste, I recently hired the little old lady from “Poltergeist” to clean once a week. I’ve never seen the movie (I know, I know; it’s on my list!), but I had high expectations of Tangina based on the fact…
49ers Owner Suspended From Doing Whatever It Is Owners Do
SANTA CLARA, California — In response to a recent prostitution-related arrest, the NFL has suspended San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York for the next six games, although it’s unclear what York is suspended from. “To clarify, Mr. York is not suspended from…
I Collect Physical Media To Maintain History and Also Because I Fucking Love Shelves
Physical media is essential. By purchasing physical media, we are preserving history in the face of the forces that want to erase it or remove it from streaming. I am a warrior for preservation. I also just fucking love shelves. Sure, I like movies just…
Donald Trump Downplays AI Risk by Claiming It’s Much Lower Than the Risk of Being Sexually Assaulted by Donald Trump
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump responded to recent concerns about rogue artificial intelligence by claiming its risk is dwarfed by that of being sexually assaulted by President Donald Trump, sources report. “Any concern about AI destroying humanity…
Absolutely Humiliating: This Death Metal Musician Just Got Raptured
We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Whether it was an awkward social interaction or a spilled coffee in the middle of a crowded Starbucks, everybody has, at one point or another, been kept up nights at the cringe-inducing…
Five Episodes of “Singled Out” That Convinced Me Not To Vaccinate My Child
If you’re of millennial age, you probably remember the dating show “Singled Out,” wherein a contestant whittled down a pool of 50 prospective dates, ultimately landing on one winner to accompany them on a trip. You also likely remember their co-host,…
Tim Curry Was the Greatest Actor I’ve Ever Worked With, and His Role in Rocky Horror Helped Me Realize I Was Pansexual – Guest Post by Gonzo
Hello out there, folks, it’s me, your friendly neighborhood, uh, whatever the hell I am, Gonzo. It’s been one heck of a week, hasn’t it, folks? First we lost Dolly Parton, and now Tim Curry. Both of these people were icons. Both of these people were…