PlayStation Fans Begin Building “Competent Sony Executive” Emulator
NEW YORK – A coalition of PlayStation fans, frustrated by the impending discontinuation of the console’s physical media, have announced they are in the process of building an emulator capable of replicating the experience of there being one competent…
God Admits He’s Been AFKing for the Past 2,000 Years
HEAVEN – Prime Mover and Supreme Creator of the Universe God admitted he’s been away from keyboard (AFKing) on Earth for the past 2,000 years, sources report. “Shit, shit, my bad,” the Heavenly Father said as he frantically retook his position atop…
Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Come Crawling Back — Guest Post by Gamestop
Well, look who it is. I guess you heard that Sony is stopping production of all physical discs by 2028. And you think you can just come crawling back to daddy to buy used games on the cheap like nothing happened, huh? As if I haven’t forgotten how you…
Yoshi Held in Custody After Vanilla Lake Police Find Unregistered Red Turtle Shell in His Kart
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Dinosaur and Super Mario Kart racer Yoshi has been detained by Vanilla Lake Police Department (VLPD) after a routine traffic stop uncovered an unregistered red turtle shell in his kart, sources report. “The suspect was speeding…
Microsoft Reveals Next Xbox Console Will Be Able To Play DVDs
REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft Gaming has announced that its forthcoming, yet to-be-named next-generation Xbox console will be able to play DVDs, befuddled sources report. “This has been in development for a long time, and we’re excited to finally make…
Stephen Miller Visibly Erect After Dropping Baby Penguin off Cliff in Super Mario 64
WASHINGTON – United States Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller was seen with a protruding erection after dropping the baby penguin off the cliff in the “Cool, Cool Mountain” level of 1996 platformer Super Mario 64, uncomfortable sources…
A Complete List of Foodborne Illnesses I Caught From Eating at Bancho Sushi
OK, let this be a warning to everyone to read up on restaurants before patronizing them; ESPECIALLY sushi restaurants. A lovable scuba diver/waiter befriending a race of sea people and uncovering the cause of a rash of earthquakes may provide good fodder…
Sniveling Little Coward Leaves Controls at Default Setting
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. – Sniveling little coward Gerard Wilmerson declined to make any adjustments to his video games’ default controller settings, disgusted sources report. “I don’t really have a strong personal preference when it comes to controls,”…
Five Amazing Pieces of Furniture I Could Make With the Great Deku Tree if You’d Just Let Me Chop It Down
OK, I know the Kokiri worship this goddamn thing, but seriously, just look at it. It’s a monstrosity and an eyesore. I heard it even has a parasite inside of it, Queen Gohma or something like that. Apparently the tree has summoned some kid who doesn’t…
Mushroom Kingdom Reaches Hazard Pay Agreement With Hammer Bros. Union
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to the hazardous nature of their work, sources report. “This is long overdue,” union rep Henry Hammer told…