James Talarico Cackles Maniacally as Hordes of Gender-Affirming Surgeons Descend Upon Texas

AUSTIN, Texas — Recently elected Democratic senator James Talarico was seen laughing maniacally as hordes of gender-affirming surgeons were unleashed throughout the state of Texas following his historic victory Tuesday, sources report.

“Fools!” the 37-year-old former educator’s voice echoed through Austin’s Long Center as dark clouds loomed forebodingly over the venue. “You really thought I was campaigning on affordability and healing the stark partisan divide plaguing our politics today? You’ve made a mistake that will haunt you for generations. With my demonic army of gender-affirming surgeons backed by the power bestowed upon me by the United States Senate, I will force every child in this state to become trans without parental consent, doing so over the course of several hours at public schools while the mother and father are completely unaware. Thus begins my godless, six-year reign of terror over this once devout state! Ahahahahahahahaha!”

Texan Earl Barrett reacted to Talarico’s announcement.

“I knew it!” Barrett gasped. “Ken Paxton and Donald Trump tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen! Oh God, why didn’t we listen? Now Talarico is free to enact his sweeping policy of transgender for everybody on the citizens of our beautiful state, and now that prayer’s been taken out of our public schools, nothing can stop him from carrying it through to fruition! There’s no limit to the chaos that will be wrought upon us from Talarico and his swarm of gender-affirming surgeons. Oh no, they’re storming through my front door right now! No, please don’t force me to take those hormones! I don’t want to be trans! Please get away! No! Noooooooooooo!”

Texas political expert Keonna Hendricks reflected on the situation.

“Oh no, oh no,” Hendricks moaned with her head in her hands. “Republicans spent hundreds of millions of dollars in their righteous quest to caution us that the Democrats’ sole purpose is to make us trans, and the Texas electorate paid no heed. Now we will reap what we have sowed, and there’s nobody to blame but us. History will remember this as the day voters allowed James Talarico to embark upon his diabolical transgender conquest over the world. I can only hope that too much damage won’t be done before we can right this wrong in the 2028 presidential election.”

At press time, Talarico had grown even more powerful after forming an unholy alliance with Abdul El-Sayed’s newly-formed Sharia Law squadrons in Michigan.

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