Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain
Musk Compound Map
FREEDOM SAC: Swells with fluid to the size of a football every time a pickup truck commercial comes on
FIFE HOLE: One of just three holes capable of producing the national anthem
EXTRA-THICK BRAIN STEM: This is what gives patriots their signature tree-trunk neck appearance
RIGHT HEMISPHERE: Creative about voting against own interests
LEFT HEMISPHERE: Analytical about voting against own interests
CANCEROUS TUMOR: Oh, shit, that’s not supposed to be there!
CHINESE ALARM: Emits a high-pitched siren anytime something Chinese is detected, leaving patriots with debilitating migraines
BOTTLE OPENER: Technically the hippocampus, but jam a bottle in there hard enough and it’ll pop
UNEXPLODED BOTTLE ROCKET: The doctors thought it would be more dangerous to try taking it out
DEBATE STAGE: Where a true American pictures all of their imaginary arguments happening
ORIGINAL 13 GLANDS: The foundation of a loyal citizen’s brain, these 13 glands often don’t agree on even basic functions
APPLE PIE FILLING: Every patriot’s brain contains at its center warm and juicy stewed apples
KILL SWITCH: Will automatically activate when an individual has outlived their usefulness to their country
The post Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain appeared first on The Onion.
