Ghosts and Gobblin’
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White House Announces Children on EBT Only Allowed to Trick or Treat at Houses Giving Out Apples
WASHINGTON — The Trump Administration announced Monday that children who are on EBT, or SNAP benefits, will only be permitted to trick or treat at houses giving out apples, confirmed sources. “Look, no one wants to be the bad guy, but we have to start…
Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future
LOS ANGELES — On-and-off Misfits singer Glenn Danzig was completely scared straight after visits from the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future, confirmed sources. “After the Ghost of Halloween Past took me back in time to when I made Doyle…
66 Horror Movie Kills That Would Look Cooler if Donald Trump (Who Has Acted Before) Was in Them—We Can Say That, Right?
From his role as ‘VIP Patron’ in 54 to his tour de force as ‘Forbes Cover Billionaire’ in something called “Horrorween,” when it comes to American actors, Donald Trump is undeniably one of them. Frankly, we think he’s underrated! Who could forget his…
Trump: Vote for the Cheesecake Factory and Jon Husted’s Ass
With just 5 days until the election, Donald Trump has made his closing argument: Democrats are far-left lunatics who hate The Cheesecake Factory—and Jon Husted has an amazing ass. I discuss this intriguing strategy and make some midterm predictions…
Patrick Stewart Reappears as Force Ghost Just To Piss You Nerds Off
LOS ANGELES—Sir Patrick Stewart, the beloved actor who passed away earlier today, most famous for his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard on ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation,’ has reportedly appeared before numerous nerds across the country as a ‘Star Wars’…
Pope Asserts There No Such Thing As Holy War
Pope Leo XIV denounced the idea that a war could be justified by religion, claiming only peace is holy. What do you think? “That’s fine. We’ve got plenty of other reasons to kill each other.” Josh Ashdot, Salvage Consultant “That’s not what God told me.”…
Mary Peltola Insists Scheme To Put Second Dan Sullivan On Ballot Orchestrated By Mary F. Peltola
The post Mary Peltola Insists Scheme To Put Second Dan Sullivan On Ballot Orchestrated By Mary F. Peltola appeared first on The Onion.
Republicans Privately Urging Trump To Not Be President Leading Up To Midterms
WASHINGTON—Saying the gesture would boost his party’s electoral prospects at a crucial moment, Republicans have been privately urging President Donald Trump to not be president in the run-up to next week’s midterms, sources confirmed today.…
Head Removed For National Anthem
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