Horror Punk House Denies Halloween Candy to Any Child Who’s Listened to Post-‘Art of Drowning’ AFI
FORT WAYNE, Ind.— Residents of a horror punk house refused to distribute Halloween candy to children who have listened to any AFI songs past their 2000 album “The Art of Drowning,” confused sources report. “It’s just common sense,” inhabitant Elias…
Millennial Psychopath Hides Motorola Razrs in Candy Apples
SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Local 37-year-old man Jay Myers is giving a classic urban legend a 21st-century makeover by putting 2004 Motorola Razrs inside candy apples and giving them to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters on Halloween, confirmed sources. “I wanted to…
Anthony Davis Going To Halloween Party Right After Game
The post Anthony Davis Going To Halloween Party Right After Game appeared first on The Onion.
TBR Halloween Cartoon!
From New Yorker legend Tom Toro, a spooktacular zombie cartoon to get you in the Halloween spirit: Read more
Scooby-Doo Retires After Taking Skydance Buyout
BURBANK, CA—Calling the decision “bittersweet,” Scooby-Doo announced his retirement Friday after accepting a voluntary buyout from media conglomerate Skydance. “While I’ve loved all the years I’ve spent unmasking villains with my…
I Won’t Let My Son Play Football Because I Don’t Want Him In A Bisexual Love Triangle With The Head Cheerleader And Team Captain
As a parent, nothing’s more important to me than my child’s health and well-being. So when a fellow PTA mom asked me earlier this fall when my son was going to go out for the football team, I was aghast. Tackle football? Are you kidding me? Not for my…
NYSE Opens Spirit Realm Stock Trading For One Night A Year
NEW YORK—Donning antlers and hooded robes as a fawn’s entrails were spilled onto the raised platform of the bell podium, New York Stock Exchange officials continued their annual tradition Friday of opening spirit realm stock trading for one night of the…
LeBron Shortens Commute By Having Xfinity Arena Helicoptered To New York Every Morning
The post LeBron Shortens Commute By Having Xfinity Arena Helicoptered To New York Every Morning appeared first on The Onion.
Host Apparently Committing To Dracula Voice For Whole Party
ELKO, NV—Admiring the dedication to character but growing increasingly exasperated as the night wore on, friends of local man Paul Dorsey told reporters Friday that he had apparently committed to doing a Dracula voice for the entirety of his Halloween…
How To Incorporate AI Into Your Daily Life
Despite the ubiquity of autonomous agents and chatbots, many Americans are still confused about how to make AI part of their daily routines. The Onion provides tips for using AI to your advantage. Use Claude to scan long, boring emails for important info…