Hollywood to Begin Working on New Horror Franchise ‘The Woman Who is Both Old and Naked’
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood executives confirmed that they are working on a new horror franchise called “The Woman Who is Both Old and Naked,” in a recent statement. “You know, as creatives we are always working on the next best thing that’ll totally blow…
Annabelle Opens Up About Struggle Of Being Typecast As Haunted Doll
LOS ANGELES—Discussing her craft in a wide-ranging interview with reporters, porcelain actress Annabelle opened up Tuesday about the struggle of being typecast as a haunted doll. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful to the Conjuring universe for…
Electric Chair Still Warm From Last Guy
The post Electric Chair Still Warm From Last Guy appeared first on The Onion.
Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker’s Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus
ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Refusing to inform the press or the man’s emergency contacts until they could nail down the vocabulary for the press conference, local authorities were reportedly waiting Wednesday to release the details of a hiker’s death until they…
Ramaswamy Appears in New Ad With His Father
COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to close out his gubernatorial campaign on a positive note, on Wednesday Vivek Ramaswamy released a campaign ad featuring his father. Read more
Japan Enshrines Male-Only Imperial Succession
Japan passed deeply unpopular revisions surrounding imperial succession that allows only males to ascend to emperor, snubbing the popular Japanese Princess Aiko from becoming empress. What do you think? “You’d think a 1,500-year-old monarchy could get…
Should Food Cost More?
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Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through
The post Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through appeared first on The Onion.
Most Of Woman’s College Memories Walking Home Crying In Halloween Makeup
OMAHA, NE—Admitting she recalled little else from her four years as an undergraduate, local woman Ally Biederman confirmed Tuesday that most of her college memories involved walking home while crying in Halloween makeup. “Pretty much all I remember from…
Democrats’ Secret Weapon in Mississippi? The Republican
Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, vehemently disavowing any ties to Nazis. (Photo: Drew Angerer/Getty Images) Mississippi hasn’t had a Democratic senator since John C. Stennis, first elected during the Truman administration. But that might be about to…