Poll: Americans Likelier To Vote For Candidate Who Hasn’t Barged In On Them In Bathroom Stall
HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting the act raises serious questions among voters about a politician’s respect for the average citizen’s privacy, a poll out Monday from Quinnipiac University found that Americans are more likely to vote for candidates who…
Poll Finds More Americans Putting Out Cigarettes On Arm To Reclaim Sense Of Control
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the practice has surpassed quietly spinning the open cylinder of a revolver, a new poll published Monday found that more Americans were putting out cigarettes on their arm to reclaim a sense of control. “Our most recent survey…
What’s the Catch? Bananas Cheap as Fuck for Some Reason
Nowhere is the skyrocketing cost of living more evident than at the grocery store, where everything’s expensive, with one exception: bananas, which on average cost only twenty‑five cents. That’s basically free in this economy, and the fact that nobody…
Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine
SEATTLE — Liberal punk band The Living Kennedys has had enough and taken the drastic step of writing a strongly worded letter addressed to The Machine, confirmed sources. “We’re just as mad about the state of affairs as the rule-breakers. We…
John Fetterman Cedes Title of Most-Despised Democrat to Haley Stevens
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating philosophically that he “had a good run,” on Sunday Senator John Fetterman ceded the title of most-despised Democrat to Rep. Haley Stevens. Read more
A Very Nixon Halloween
The Richard Nixon Foundation When you’re living in the dystopian hellscape of 2026, the monsters of Halloween provide a welcome escape. Vampires, werewolves, and mummies are infinitely less alarming than Stephen Miller. With that in mind,…
How To Beat the Sunday Scaries by Realizing Time Is a Construct and Being Unemployed
Sunday gets a bad rap, despite being the one day when it’s socially acceptable to be drunk in public at 10 a.m. because football is on. For many people, though, there is no escaping that creeping realization as the days nears its end that they’ll have to…
Disney Hopes to Improve Public Image by Switching to Free-Range Child Stars
ORLANDO, Fla. — Disney executives announced today they will be switching to 100% free-range, humanely bred child stars in an effort to turn around the negative image surrounding their live-action children’s television practices, confirmed sources.…
Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses
The post Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses appeared first on The Onion.
Mother Stands Dead-Eyed Behind Child Explaining Anime Costume
JOPLIN, MO—With any interest or passion dissolving from her face the moment her son started to recount his favorite arc from the 2006 shōnen series, local mother Debra Carlisle was reportedly spotted Saturday evening standing dead-eyed behind her son as…