Pam Bondi Upstages Todd Blanche Hearings by Releasing Naked Photos of Trump on Epstein’s Island
Win McNamee/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking revenge for her abrupt termination in April, on Wednesday former Attorney General Pam Bondi upstaged confirmation hearings for her nominated successor, Todd Blanche, by releasing a…
PlayStation Fans Begin Building “Competent Sony Executive” Emulator
NEW YORK – A coalition of PlayStation fans, frustrated by the impending discontinuation of the console’s physical media, have announced they are in the process of building an emulator capable of replicating the experience of there being one competent…
Mitch McConnell Trounces Trump on Cognitive Exam
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a brutal defeat for Donald J. Trump, Senator Mitch McConnell handily trounced him on a cognitive test administered to both men on Tuesday. According to an attending neurologist who spoke on condition of…
God Admits He’s Been AFKing for the Past 2,000 Years
HEAVEN – Prime Mover and Supreme Creator of the Universe God admitted he’s been away from keyboard (AFKing) on Earth for the past 2,000 years, sources report. “Shit, shit, my bad,” the Heavenly Father said as he frantically retook his position atop…
A Fact-based Lindsey Graham Obituary
Like many Americans, I mourn the sudden passing of Lindsey Graham. I had hoped he would live long enough to be tried for treason. Let me define my terms. A true traitor collaborates with the enemy despite knowing better. For that reason, someone like…
Communism According to Republicans
LMPC via Getty Images On July 4th, Donald J. Trump gave a rousing speech at the foot of Mount Rushmore, where he warned about a resurgence of a “communist menace.” After an exhaustive search, TBR could not find any evidence of a resurgence of…
Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Come Crawling Back — Guest Post by Gamestop
Well, look who it is. I guess you heard that Sony is stopping production of all physical discs by 2028. And you think you can just come crawling back to daddy to buy used games on the cheap like nothing happened, huh? As if I haven’t forgotten how you…
Yoshi Held in Custody After Vanilla Lake Police Find Unregistered Red Turtle Shell in His Kart
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Dinosaur and Super Mario Kart racer Yoshi has been detained by Vanilla Lake Police Department (VLPD) after a routine traffic stop uncovered an unregistered red turtle shell in his kart, sources report. “The suspect was speeding…
Microsoft Reveals Next Xbox Console Will Be Able To Play DVDs
REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft Gaming has announced that its forthcoming, yet to-be-named next-generation Xbox console will be able to play DVDs, befuddled sources report. “This has been in development for a long time, and we’re excited to finally make…
Stephen Miller Visibly Erect After Dropping Baby Penguin off Cliff in Super Mario 64
WASHINGTON – United States Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller was seen with a protruding erection after dropping the baby penguin off the cliff in the “Cool, Cool Mountain” level of 1996 platformer Super Mario 64, uncomfortable sources…