Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef
RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying…
Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail
A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? “He must have an incredible sense of smell.” Ritche Acevedo, Menu Approver “Now imagine how unstoppable he’d…
Donald Trump Downplays AI Risk by Claiming It’s Much Lower Than the Risk of Being Sexually Assaulted by Donald Trump
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump responded to recent concerns about rogue artificial intelligence by claiming its risk is dwarfed by that of being sexually assaulted by President Donald Trump, sources report. “Any concern about AI destroying humanity…
Robert Kraft Demands Macklemore Be Removed From Playlist at Favorite Sex Trafficking Spa
JUPITER, Fla. — Human rights champion and all-around good guy, Robert Kraft, responded to Macklemore’s controversial pro-Palestinian views by demanding the artist’s music be removed from the playlist at “Sakura Dreams,” the business mogul’s favorite…
NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class
NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class The transition from college football to the NFL can be difficult, so The Onion turned to some of the league’s most seasoned players for guidance on making the jump. Explore the list in detail…
Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed
NEW YORK—In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company’s flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won’t stop expanding once unboxed. “In response to thousands of…
Video Game Prologue Still Going
CONCORD, MA—As he expressed alarm at still not having reached the title’s open world, local gamer Rudy Kelleher confirmed Tuesday that the prologue of his recently purchased video game was still going. “Christ, it’s been an hour and a half since I booted…
Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg
The post Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg appeared first on The Onion.
Katherine Lee
The family of Katherine Lee, 35, asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners send any guesses about what her passwords might be. The post Katherine Lee appeared first on The Onion.
Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script
LOS ANGELES—Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Candy Crush Saga movie. “You are Mr.…