Millennial Psychopath Hides Motorola Razrs in Candy Apples
SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Local 37-year-old man Jay Myers is giving a classic urban legend a 21st-century makeover by putting 2004 Motorola Razrs inside candy apples and giving them to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters on Halloween, confirmed sources.
“I wanted to put the ‘trick’ back in ‘trick-or-treat,’” said Myers. “And what better way to do that than to bring back the old ‘razor in the apple’ gag — just without the severed tongues this time. Hopping on eBay and buying a bunch of old cell phones was the easy part. The hard part was getting those suckers to fit. Have you ever tried to force a cell phone through a piece of fruit? It’s not easy, let me tell you. The kids around here could be a little more grateful considering how much work I put into this year’s Halloween handouts.”
Many of the neighborhood children disagree with Myers, and some are even saying he should be happy they aren’t being nastier.
“This guy’s a wackjob,” said trick-or-treater Nancy Doyle. “I’m not going to thank him for giving me an apple with a turn of the century cell phone sticking out of it. I didn’t even know what it was until my cringe AF dad started pissing his pants over it. I guess he was too poor or something to get one when he was a teenager? Whatever. I just gave him the stupid thing and stormed off to the next house.”
Father of two, Sam Jarvis was also disappointed by his neighbor’s brand of trick-or-treat offerings.
“It’s hard to keep my kids safe on Halloween when psychos like Jay are always trying to sneak drugs and other harmful items into their candy,” said Jarvis. “Last year I found a blister pack of DayQuil liquicaps hidden in an M&M wrapper, a Hello Kitty tattoo soaked in Pepto-Bismol, and a Snickers bar with a needle in it! Actually, it was a vintage copy of Elliot Smith’s ‘Needle in the Hay’ on vinyl. I, uh, I may have actually lucked out with that one. Regardless, my point still stands!”
At press time, Myers has given no indication that he plans to change his ways anytime soon and was actively searching eBay for used Razor scooters in preparation for next year’s trick-or-treat.
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