Trump Renames Gulf of America to Gulf of Mexico for Crucial Hispanic Support
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump declared that the United States of America will revert the Gulf of America’s name back to Gulf of Mexico for crucial pre-midterm Hispanic support, unconvinced sources confirm. “Sleepy Joe changed the name of this…
Democrats Urge Haley Stevens to Endorse Republicans in Every Other State
Dominic Gwinn/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping for a last-minute boost to their midterm campaigns, on Monday Democrats across the US beseeched Rep. Haley Stevens to endorse their Republican opponents.…
Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met
DETROIT—Saying time was rapidly running out for candidates in her party to do the right thing, Rep. Haley Stevens (D-MI) threatened Monday to endorse a Republican every hour until her demands were met. “It’s almost 1 p.m., which means my…
Sports Betting By The Numbers
With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting. $140,000 Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it…
Goateed Off
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Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series
The Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series title over the Tampa Bay Rays in five games, marking the first championship in the franchise’s 57-year history. What do you think? “The AA meetings in Milwaukee are going to be extra empty this weekend.”…
Rank-And-File Democrat Reaches Across Aisle To Trip Progressive Candidate
WASHINGTON—Representative Haley Stevens, a proud establishment democrat and supporter of Israel, metaphorically and literally reached across the aisle yesterday to endorse Republican candidate Mike Rogers and trip progressive candidate Abdul El-Sayed…
Pros And Cons Of Democracy
Even after 250 years of government of the people, by the people, and for the people, democracy remains a hotly contested topic worldwide. The Onion examines the pros and cons of self-governance. PRO Still has alluringly exotic hint of Greece to it Just…
Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal
On this, the momentous anniversary of our nation’s founding, I wish to devote a few words to the pivotal juncture at which our great republic now stands. Decisions made today will determine what kind of country your children inherit tomorrow. We must be…
Trump Designates Poll Watchers As 7th U.S. Military Branch
WASHINGTON—In a move he claimed was essential to maintaining domestic security, President Donald Trump formally designated poll watchers as the seventh branch of the U.S. military this week. “I am hereby authorizing the formation of America’s newest and…