Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD Vance
Simone Risoluti Vatican Media via Vatican Pool/Getty Images VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic doctrine, on Wednesday Pope Leo XIV announced that the Church would relax its prohibition against birth…
Hegseth Freaks Out After Testing Positive for Estrogen
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly “exploded with rage” on Tuesday after a blood test he had required for all service members over 30 showed that he had…
Unconscious Mitch McConnell Scores Higher Approval Rating Than Conscious Version
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented political comeback, the entirely unconscious Mitch McConnell has garnered a vastly higher approval rating than the conscious version, a new poll revealed on Monday.…
The Logic Behind Trump’s Saudi Nuclear Deal, Applied to Other Situations
What could go wrong? (Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images) With the Iran War reignited, Donald Trump has turned his attention from denuclearizing Iran towards nuclearizing Saudi Arabia. On Wednesday, he struck a deal that will allow the Saudis to develop…
Low T? Pete Hegseth Has No T.
It’s been a week of humiliation for our no-testosterone Secretary of Defensiveness, whose Senate whine-fest (and inability to do a proper pull-up) made one thing clear: Fox News was smart to only let him out on weekends. I discuss this and much…
Hegseth Says His Naturally High Testosterone Has Helped Him Apply Makeup
John Lamparski/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Wednesday credited his “super-high testosterone level” with his ability to apply “military-grade makeup.” “In order to be…
Canadian Prime Minister Tells Trump That Orange Air is a Tribute to Him
Kevin Carter/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking relief from the latest tariffs slapped on his nation’s goods, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney told Donald J. Trump on Tuesday that the orange air blanketing regions of the…
Susan Collins Concerned That Maine Voters Might Remember Things She Has Done
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins said on Monday that she is “deeply concerned” that voters in Maine might remember things she has done in office. “Maine voters are profoundly…
LEAKED: Suggested Slogans for Marco Rubio’s 2028 Campaign
Joe Raedle/Getty Images TBR EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following top-secret memo from the Marco Rubio for President Committee, listing possible slogans for the Secretary of State’s 2028 campaign: Read more
When Jane Goodall Destroyed Elon Musk
Goodall with a far more interesting primate than Elon Musk. (Photo by SUMY SADURNI/AFP via Getty Images) When the world’s most admired woman was attacked by the world’s least interesting man, it was no contest. Like the millions of other…