‘Whalefall’ Star Stuns On Red Carpet In 40,000-Gallon Tank
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Sydney Sweeney Tells Scooter Braun She Open To Converting To B-List For Him
LOS ANGELES—Stating that it was about time they got serious about their future as a couple, actress Sydney Sweeney reportedly told record executive Scooter Braun Friday that she was open to converting to the B-list for him. “I really want this…
Trump Cancels Planned Livestream Of Jon Ossoff’s Execution
WASHINGTON—Calling off the event that some had labeled “controversial,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was canceling the planned livestream execution of Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-GA). “I still believe it would have been a strong deterrent for…
New Evidence Suggests Amelia Earhart Was Accepted Into Crab Society
NIKUMARORO, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have finally solved the longstanding mystery surrounding the missing aviator’s ultimate fate, a team of Purdue University researchers announced Friday they had found new evidence suggesting Amelia Earhart was accepted…
Lena Dunham Announces ‘Girls’ Coming Back For 5 More Controversies
LONDON—Thanking HBO for the opportunity to provoke all over again, Girls creator Lena Dunham announced Friday that the series was coming back for five more controversies. “So much has changed in the world since the show ended nine years ago, and I’m…
The New Doctor Loomis? This Psychiatrist Also Carries a Gun and Thinks Quiet Kids Are Creepy
Move over Doctor Loomis; there’s a new gun-toting psychiatrist in town, and he also thinks silent kids are creepy. In a namby-pamby world where most child psychiatrists are closer to Mr. Rogers than Sigmund Freud, one man has chosen to model himself…
Fuck Yeah! Staff Allowed to Go Home After Boss Suffers Medical Emergency
PUEBLO, Colo. — Christmas came early for staff at a local tech startup who were allowed to go home early after their boss, Todd Hull, suffered a medical emergency, reported giddy sources. “Fuck yeah!” beamed employee Donald Walker. “I was having a…
Sweaty Youth Soccer Team Stinking Up Entire Red Robin
COLUMBUS, OH—As they ran freely between tables and emitted a powerful odor of sweat, grass, and damp polyester, a youth soccer team was stinking up an entire Red Robin following a morning tournament, restaurant patrons confirmed Saturday. “They’re…
Weird Family Settles Disputes Calmly, Respectfully
ST. LOUIS—Drawing skeptical gazes from onlookers for their peculiar approach to resolving conflicts, a weird family at a local bistro reportedly settled a series of disputes calmly and respectfully Friday. “It’s crazy—they spoke one at a time, listened…
DHS Raids Rep. Ilhan Omar’s Home
Department of Homeland Security agents raided the home of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), prompting accusations of political retribution by the Trump administration ahead of the midterm elections. What do you think? “We can’t assume this is political when it…