Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God

VATICAN CITY—In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. “To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your support, and know that I now feel better than ever before—so good, in fact, that I will shortly be back in shape and able to take on the Lord God Himself,” the Supreme Pontiff said in an address from St. Peter’s balcony, his muscles visibly rippling through his vestments as he cracked his knuckles and pointed menacingly toward the heavens. “Day by day, my strength is returning at an almost frightening pace. Give me a few more nights of rest, and I will ascend to the clouds, grab the Almighty from His Heavenly Throne, and finish Him with a chokeslam. Then I’ll make Jesus get down on all fours so I may rest my feet on His back. That will show us who serves whom.” The pope then addressed the Lord directly, stating that if you try to kill a loyal servant by giving them lung cancer, you’d better not miss.

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