St. Augustine of Hippo
St. Augustine of Hippo succumbed to colorectal cancer at his hospice in heaven at the tragically short afterlife age of 1596. The post St. Augustine of Hippo appeared first on The Onion.
Gina Billings
Gina Billings, 64, died of unknown causes, but since her head is still attached to her body, beheading can almost certainly be ruled out. The post Gina Billings appeared first on The Onion.
Jimmy Chiarella
Jimmy Chiarella, 72, died Wednesday after being the last one to say “not it.” The post Jimmy Chiarella appeared first on The Onion.
Jasper Collins
Jasper Collins, 59, died suddenly Tuesday, completely ruining his business partner’s plans to make him the fall guy. The post Jasper Collins appeared first on The Onion.
Julie Marks
The Loyola High class of 2003 got it right when they voted Julie Marks, 41, most likely to die by ciguatera fish poisoning. The post Julie Marks appeared first on The Onion.
Joe Mazzulla Uses Claude To Learn Why Jordan Walsh’s Hair Like That
BOSTON—Praising the artificial intelligence tool for its increasingly important role in shaping his coaching decisions, Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla revealed Tuesday that he had been using Claude to investigate why Jordan Walsh’s hair was like…
Melania Trump Drops Accent While Visiting Parents In Iowa Hometown
LE MARS, IA—As she spoke of how excited she was to take a break from her White House duties and spend some time getting back to her Midwestern roots, first lady Melania Trump dropped her accent Friday while visiting her parents in her Iowa hometown,…
Dominatrix’s Kid Briefly Spotted In Doorway
The post Dominatrix’s Kid Briefly Spotted In Doorway appeared first on The Onion.
Why Hasn’t Abdul El-Sayed Accomplished Any Of His Campaign Goals Since Winning 2 Minutes Ago?
In The Know’s Midterm 2026 Election Panel debates if El-Sayed’s string of broken campaign promises over the last half-minute could mean the end of the progressive movement in America. The post Why Hasn’t Abdul El-Sayed Accomplished Any Of His…
Mike Johnson Begs God to Rapture Him Immediately
Alex Wong/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of the Republicans’ catastrophic rout in the midterm elections, on Wednesday morning House Speaker Mike Johnson begged God to “rapture him up” immediately.…