The New Doctor Loomis? This Psychiatrist Also Carries a Gun and Thinks Quiet Kids Are Creepy

Move over Doctor Loomis; there’s a new gun-toting psychiatrist in town, and he also thinks silent kids are creepy. In a namby-pamby world where most child psychiatrists are closer to Mr. Rogers than Sigmund Freud, one man has chosen to model himself after a tough-as-nails fictional doctor who shoots first (as well as second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth) and asks questions later.

You may remember Dr. Samuel J. Loomis as the pistol-wielding madman who spends the entirety of 1978’s Halloween chasing after a man in an inside-out William Shatner mask. Unlike the woke psychiatrists of today, Loomis—played by the late Donald Pleasance—didn’t hesitate to exercise his Second Amendment rights while talking shit about underage patients. Ahhh, the ‘70s, when doctors could still wave guns around in public and call mute children evil with no fear of repercussions. Those were the days!

Now Dr. Brett Andrews is doing his part to bring the Wild West psychiatry of Dr. Loomis into the modern era. As of this writing, Andrews is the only child psychiatrist in America packing heat on a regular basis—something that has earned him an NRA endorsement and the praise of several Republican senators. The doctor’s fans don’t actually expect him to shoot his patients, of course, but they like knowing that he has the option. 

“If some six-year-old mutant sits there, giving Andrews the evil eye and not saying a word,” said NRA president Bill Bachenberg, “well, I know I feel safer knowing there’s a loaded .38 special not two feet away. Just in case.”

Meanwhile, the Doctor’s patients and their families aren’t exactly thrilled with his open carry policy. 

“Bringing a gun to a therapy session is ridiculous,” said Harold Blanchard, whose daughter sees Doctor Andrews for anxiety. “This is real life, not a movie. Does this guy really think there’s a chance some 12yr old in need of an adderall refill is going to suddenly show up in the suburbs and start murdering babysitters?”

“He complains about being freaked out by quiet kids,” said Cynthia Melon, mother of David, a former patient of Andrews. “Maybe, oh, I don’t know, stop pointing a friggin’ revolver at them, and they won’t be too scared to talk!”

While Brett Andrews does his best to listen to everyone’s concerns, he refuses to give up his god-given right to bear arms just to placate a few concerned parents. The Doctor admits he might be persuaded to lose the trenchcoat if enough parents asked him to, but the loaded gun is a complete nonstarter.

“Look, I care about the kids I treat, I really do,” said Andrews. “But if a steady diet of slasher films has taught me anything, it’s that at least one of these tongue-tied brats will eventually put on a mask and turn their hometown into an all-you-can-stab buffet. When that happens, you’ll be thanking your lucky stars that me and Mr. Six Shooter are there to stop them.”

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