Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker’s Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus 

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Refusing to inform the press or the man’s emergency contacts until they could nail down the vocabulary for the press conference, local authorities were reportedly waiting Wednesday to release the details of a hiker’s death until they had learned the correct collective noun for emus. “Is it a band? A gaggle? We don’t want to look like fools when we finally let loved ones know this guy is dead,” said Chief Inspector Lee Matthews of the South Australia Police, asking his colleagues if they knew whether there was one word for just a few emus and a different term for a larger group of, in this case, 25. “A disembowelment of emus would be too ironic. Maybe it’s the same as ostriches? Shit, that one is just a flock? Is that right? We have to be sure, and I’m certain his family will appreciate a few more hours of hope. Plus, we are going to look like idiots if we just say he was ripped to bloody shreds by a fleet of emus and it’s not right. I mean, it says here a group of larks is called an exaltation. That’s the crazy stuff I’m worried about. Throng? Jubilation? Oh, wait, I found it—it looks like he was killed by a mob of emus. That’s pretty good, actually.” At press time, Matthews had further delayed contacting the hiker’s family until local authorities could determine if there was a special term for when emus feed by peeling out their prey’s entrails.

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