Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of Future Where America Still Perfect
WASHINGTON—As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still…
Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors
President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the…
Unfit to Serve
Last week, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth made headlines by offering this vision of the military: “No fatties, no trannies, no beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals.” Inspired by this wisdom, we’ve complied our own list of people…
Dennis Hastert Dies
Disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has died at 84, the Republican having once been imprisoned for a hush money scheme intended to cover up his repeated molestation of teen athletes. What do you think? “From the first couple sentences I’ve read…
NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake
NEW YORK—Urging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. “The first time you see all those zeroes in…
Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO…
DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms
WASHINGTON—In an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday into why their party lost the 2026 midterm elections.…
Help! My Housecleaner Is the Little Old Lady From “Poltergeist”, and She’s Half-Assing Every Chore
Though my rent is so high that I can’t afford toothpaste, I recently hired the little old lady from “Poltergeist” to clean once a week. I’ve never seen the movie (I know, I know; it’s on my list!), but I had high expectations of Tangina based on the fact…
Leavitt Joins Fox in Hopes of Becoming Defense Secretary
Alex Wong/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced on Monday that she was joining Fox News Channel as a stepping-stone to becoming Secretary of Defense. Leavitt said that only by…
Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didn’t See ‘Digger’
WASHINGTON—Faced with a weekend of dismal ticket sales that ranked among the worst in the megastar’s career, a smiling, unblinking Tom Cruise calmly stated Monday that he just wanted to know why the nation didn’t turn out to see his new movie…