Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term
This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games : The suit over Apple’s…
Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward
SEATTLE—In an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. “Stop by…
’90s Ghost Hard to Take Seriously in JNCOs
FENTON, Mo. — Local man Jason Miller is struggling to take the ghost haunting his home seriously after discovering the apparition wears an enormous pair of JNCO jeans and mostly wants to know what he missed in the fifth season of “The X-Files,” sources…
Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts
HOULTON, ME—Saying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts.…
All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over
I’ve never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I was—they couldn’t get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to…
Trump Enraged After Bad Bunny Wins Nobel Peace Prize
Todd Rosenberg/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of furious Truth Social posts early Thursday morning, Donald J. Trump blasted the Norwegian Nobel Committee for awarding the 2026 Peace Prize to the Puerto Rican rapper Bad…
Probably Not a Good Sign: Cannibal Corpse Just Announced Their Next Album Will Need To Be Refrigerated
Even if you’re only tangentially aware of death metal, you’ve heard of Cannibal Corpse. These infamous sickos emerged in the early nineties with pummeling tracks covering such gruesome subject matter as torture and necrophilia. With song titles like…
Phrase ‘It’s Been Real’ Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss
BATON ROUGE, LA—Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase “It’s been real” pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss,…
‘Ted Lasso’ Fans Told That Show Going ‘Bye-Bye’ For A Bit
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Assuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going “bye-bye” for a bit. “Just like all you busy boys and…
Antichrist Deeply Uncomfortable With Perceived Connection to Peter Thiel
HELL — The Antichrist issued a sweeping denial of any relationship with Peter Thiel this Wednesday following numerous remarks made by the Silicon Valley billionaire that thrust the false prophet into the spotlight, fueling speculation that the two may…