Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts

HOULTON, ME—Saying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. “I’m really annoyed that we’re having this conversation again when I’ve already told him I’m not interested, but I suppose it is kind of fascinating that less than 5% of mammals are monogamous,” said Figueroa, adding that she was impressed by how many facts about animal mating habits her husband of nine years had managed to work into his argument. “Once I stopped crying, I realized it’s actually pretty cool that female beluga whales choose to have sex with lots of males. You know, bonobos have sex with, like, their entire troop, and hyenas are highly matriarchal, which I think is empowering. Maybe I’ll tap into my inner hyena and start fucking my personal trainer.” At press time, Marcus Figueroa had reportedly called for a pause on seeing other people after he became concerned things were moving too quickly.

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