Opinion: If You Want to Fuck My Daughter, You’re Gonna Have to Fuck Me First
Think you’re gonna take my daughter out for a date? I know where your mind’s at, son. In the gutter, just like mine was at your age. All men are alike, from priests to paramedics, I know it. Mister, if you want to have a roll in the hay with my…
Nation’s Xylophones Sit Dusty After Overly Optimistic ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ Boom
UNITED STATES — A secret collection of neglected xylophones hidden in American basements that were purchased after the release of Violent Femmes’ hit “Gone Daddy Gone” has been gathering dust since the early ’80s, sources confirmed. “The boys and I…
Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In
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Jeep Owner With ‘Not All Who Wander Are Lost’ Tire Cover Proudly Hasn’t Left Home State in 30 Years
WALLINGFORD, Conn. — Local 48-year-old data analyst and father of three Joel Lafleur has never left the Constitution State despite being a proud owner of a Jeep with a “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” tire cover, sources confirmed. “I’m telling you,…
FDA Bans Use of Mambo No. 5
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced a countrywide ban on the song “Mambo No.5,” citing its threat to the health of the nation, according to sources. “After banning some dangerous food additives like Red Dye No. 3 and…
The Private Haiku Journal of Pete Hegseth
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images TBR EXCLUSIVE—You may think you know Pete Hegseth, the former “Fox & Friends” weekend host determined to rid the military of weirdos and beardos. But there’s another Pete—a sensitive,…
Help! The Demon Possessing My Girlfriend Is Way Nicer Than She Is
I’m not the kind of man to ask strangers on the internet for anything other than nudes, but I’m so desperate for guidance that I have no choice. I have a really bad problem. The demon possessing my girlfriend is way nicer than my girlfriend is. Some…
Band Forecasts Thick Layer of Mid-Set Stage Fog
MINNEAPOLIS — Local band HorseLord forecasted a surprise front of thick stage fog rolling in around the middle of their set, despite a temperature of around 70 degrees with a chance to climb once the audience really starts moving, confirmed sources…
Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution
In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think? “My money’s on the firing…
White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass
WASHINGTON—Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. “No one should be…