FDA Bans Use of Mambo No. 5

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced a countrywide ban on the song “Mambo No.5,” citing its threat to the health of the nation, according to sources.

“After banning some dangerous food additives like Red Dye No. 3 and Yellow 6 in 2025, we are immediately suspending an even bigger threat, any use of the song ‘Mambo No.5,’” said Acting Commissioner Kyle Diamantas. “Considering how impressionable youth are, coupled with the public’s desire to increase the musical standards of the day, it’s essential to eliminate exposure to this idiotic song. For anyone who happens to find a physical copy of this or any other tunes by Lou Bega, please take immediate action to dispose of it safely. And by ‘safely’ we mean in a burn pile far away from civilization.”

Music lover Jack Stillman expressed support over the ban.

“I have a younger brother who we lost to that song,” said Stillman. “He’d listened to it all the time after hearing it featured in ‘Iron Man 3,’ at first harmlessly, but eventually it became a serious addiction. He insisted on only talking to girls named Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, or Jessica. He even started wearing goofy trilby style hats with lame wide lapel suits, which for a 12-year-old was dumb. We hoped that he would grow out of this embarrassing phase, but when I visited him recently I caught him listening to ‘Scatman & Hatman,’ and that’s when I decided I had to cut him out of my life.”

According to an anonymous source at the FDA, the agency is planning to ban more cringe music from the ‘90s.

“We hoped further bans wouldn’t be necessary, but today’s youth keep rediscovering cringe tracks from the 1990s,” the anonymous source said. “Banning music may be outside our jurisdiction, but parents constantly report their kids turning into walking morons after exposure to songs like this, leaving us no choice but to intervene. Just today, a hysterical mother begged us to outlaw Chumbawamba’s ‘Tubthumping’ and Rednex’s ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ because her children were playing them endlessly on loop, destroying thousands of brain cells in the process.”

At press time, the FDA filed an emergency order to stop playing any albums by Kid Rock as new research indicated that the nation’s plummeting I.Q. was directly linked to his music.

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