Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day
NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. “I thought it was maybe…
Court Orders Kennedy Name Removed From RFK Jr.
Mario Tama/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bombshell ruling on Tuesday, a federal judge ordered the Kennedy name removed from Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “immediately.” “Henceforth, the former Mr. Kennedy will be…
George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening
SAN ANSELMO, CA—Cursing himself for ever thinking “this museum thing” was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest out of R2-D2 Monday ahead of the public opening of his new Museum of Narrative Art. “Hold still,…
First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years
A new type of tiger cat that’s smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think? “How do they feel about cluttered studio…
Measles: Myth Vs. Fact
Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the highly contagious illness. MYTH: Measles is just a…
Bankrupt Kennedy Center Auctions Off JFK’s Skeleton
WASHINGTON—Saying dire financial circumstances had left it with nothing but the most desperate option, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Monday that it had filed for bankruptcy and would now be forced to auction off the…
NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets
PORTLAND, OR—Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he was struggling to improve upon the raw sexuality of the regular Muppets. “Normally this stuff just flows…
Fox Glad White House Ban Only Applies to News Networks
Jeenah Moon for The Washington Post via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel’s top executive said on Monday that the company was “deeply relieved” to learn that the White House’s media ban would…
I Collect Physical Media To Maintain History and Also Because I Fucking Love Shelves
Physical media is essential. By purchasing physical media, we are preserving history in the face of the forces that want to erase it or remove it from streaming. I am a warrior for preservation. I also just fucking love shelves. Sure, I like movies just…
‘90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced that they have added ‘90s grunge singers to the list of endangered species, confirmed sources. “Black rhinos, sea turtles, and guys who sang ‘Even Flow’ in 1992. We need to be…