‘90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced that they have added ‘90s grunge singers to the list of endangered species, confirmed sources.  

“Black rhinos, sea turtles, and guys who sang ‘Even Flow’ in 1992. We need to be cognizant of these beautiful creatures that could one day be extinct if we don’t do something about it,” said conservationist Tara Gumbolt. “If there were no more grunge singers, the entire ecosystem of Seattle would collapse. That is how important Eddie Vedder is to the environment. In the meantime, we’ve been trying to mate Mudhoney’s Mark Arm in captivity to help sustain the population, but unfortunately, we haven’t had much luck. Plus, not many people know this, but if ‘90s grunge singers went extinct, we would no longer have avocados. Or wait, is that bees? Bees or grunge vocalists. One of them.”

Grunge fan and environmentally conscious woman Vicki Breadwater was doing everything in her power to help. 

“If we don’t act now, we could see the Buzz Osbornes of the world go the way of the dodo,” said Breadwater. “I care about the environment, so I’ve been doing my part to help by showing up at L7 vocalist Donita Sparks’ house once a month unannounced to make sure she’s still alive and kicking. Evidently, she doesn’t like it when I break in through her window and stand over her while she’s sleeping to make sure she’s breathing, but I’m sorry, this is not about her. It’s about preserving the environment.”

Different genres of musicians are becoming increasingly more in danger of extinction.

“We’re seeing a lot more musicians become categorized as endangered,” said music historian Rory Treewell. “Of course, we’ve already seen ‘70s punk musicians become endangered after Joe Strummer, Darby Crash, and Sid Vicious all died young, though I think their numbers will probably bounce back. As we know, Iggy Pop will probably never die. Not to mention the Ramones are in an endangered category all on their own. They’ve all but gone extinct.”

At press time, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service also added ‘90s rappers to the endangered list after the deaths of Tupac Shakur, Notorious B.I.G., and Coolio.

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