Holy Fucking Shit! There’s Been a Person in This Parked Car Next to Me the Entire Time
Jonathan Lipnicki! That’s that little fucker’s name; I knew I would get it. I really should download the IMDB app. Just not right now; there’s not enough time. La di doo la di dee…Holy fucking shit! Wow, ok, there is fully a person in the passenger…
Scientists Reveal They’re Closer Than Ever To Discovering Whether the Black Crowes Are Classic Rock or Not
TROY, N.Y. — Scientists at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute revealed that they are closer than ever to discovering whether the Black Crowes are classic rock or not, sources reveal. “We are on the cusp of a true breakthrough,” lead scientist Cara Flores…
Wanted: Graphic Designer to Fix Our AI-Generated Show Flyer
Looking for a talented, experienced graphic designer to fix our AI-generated show flyers immediately. We discovered after getting 2,000 flyers back from the printer that it’s an abomination, despite our manager claiming the prompts he put into Chat GPT…
Iggy Pop’s Merch Booth Doesn’t Sell T-Shirts
CHICAGO — The merch booth for Iggy Pop reportedly doesn’t sell t-shirts of the iconic musician, confirmed sources who were looking for a size medium, if possible. “We adhere to a strict ‘no shirts’ rule here, just like Iggy would’ve wanted,” said merch…
Rob Schneider Files for Relevancy
WASHINGTON — Rob Schneider, once the famed pariah of SNL and star of such classic films as ‘Deuce Bigalow’ and ‘The Hot Chick,’ filed for relevancy after 25 years of blissful invisibility from our collective awareness, sources close to the…
Well, I Did It, I Got a Text From Every Democrat
A lot of people said it couldn’t be done. That there are too many Democrats; too many congressional races. There are too many state and local elections that you don’t even vote in, why would you receive text messages from those Democrats? To that I say…
Man Dies At 27 Despite Not Being Cool
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man Albert Olmsted passed away at the age of 27 despite not even being remotely cool, familiar sources confirmed. “Let’s face it, 27 is such an iconic age to die at, but to be honest, Albert was not iconic at all,”…
Mamdani to Provide More Funding for New York City’s Ghostbusters
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that he is pledging additional funding to the city’s Ghostbusters, confirmed sources. “New York City ain’t afraid of no ghosts,” said Mamdani outside of the converted firehouse that acts as the…
Donald Trump Downplays AI Risk by Claiming It’s Much Lower Than the Risk of Being Sexually Assaulted by Donald Trump
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump responded to recent concerns about rogue artificial intelligence by claiming its risk is dwarfed by that of being sexually assaulted by President Donald Trump, sources report. “Any concern about AI destroying humanity…
Robert Kraft Demands Macklemore Be Removed From Playlist at Favorite Sex Trafficking Spa
JUPITER, Fla. — Human rights champion and all-around good guy, Robert Kraft, responded to Macklemore’s controversial pro-Palestinian views by demanding the artist’s music be removed from the playlist at “Sakura Dreams,” the business mogul’s favorite…