Well, I Did It, I Got a Text From Every Democrat

A lot of people said it couldn’t be done. That there are too many Democrats; too many congressional races. There are too many state and local elections that you don’t even vote in, why would you receive text messages from those Democrats?

To that I say two things: 1. I don’t know, and 2. I have.

All of them. 

Every. Single. One.

Barack Obama reached out to me personally about his new Presidential Library. That’s sweet of you, Bear, but I don’t live in Chicago, nor do I have the funds to fly out right now for a visit. Especially if I give the just $5 you are all asking for. 

Here are all the Democratic congressmen who text me that sound like made-up names from a James Patterson Novel: Josh Harder, Jason Crow, and Maxwell Frost. All of them text me more than every member of my family. 

I’ve even heard from Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen. I know, right- who the fuck is that? At first I thought the text was something about Van Halen, and I don’t think they’re touring right now. 

Every Democrat is very sorry that they are reaching out to me, and all of them need my help, and my help alone, or Democracy will die. That, and they all need three to five bucks. 

Adam Smith just texted me; he needs five bucks. Becca Balint just texted me; she needs five bucks. Despite the success of the Paramount + show Landman, Greg Landsman? He needs five bucks. 

I’m behind on work and sleep. I have a call with Paylocity to have my next paycheck rerouted to every Democrat running for everything. Comptroller, Railroad Commissioner, Dog Mayors- they all need my help, urgently. 

Their texts are long. Very long. Every race is “the most competitive,” “most consequential,” “most important,” of our lifetimes. That cannot be true. One has to be more important than the other. Right? RIGHT?  

I’m exhausted, but vigilant. I have opted out of most of these texts, but they do keep coming. I think opting out is the new opting in. 

I was on a first-name basis with Graham Platner, although I don’t hear much from him anymore.  I’m too caught up in my text messages and funneling money to every corner of the country; I’m not up to date on the news. Hope he’s good! 

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