Mamdani to Provide More Funding for New York City’s Ghostbusters
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that he is pledging additional funding to the city’s Ghostbusters, confirmed sources.
“New York City ain’t afraid of no ghosts,” said Mamdani outside of the converted firehouse that acts as the Ghostbusters’ headquarters. “For too long, our valiant Ghostbusters have had to operate at a fraction of the budget of this city’s police and fire departments while arguably doing work that is just as important. Previous administrations have cast doubt on their abilities, even attempting to shut down the containment unit, which can cause human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, and mass hysteria, but I’m here to say helping New Yorkers makes me feel good, balancing our city’s budget makes me feel good, and bustin’ makes me feel good.”
Not everyone has welcomed this move, with some, like the ghost of Cornelius Vanderbilt, being particularly vocal in their opposition.
“When I was alive, I was one of the richest men in the world,” said the spirit of Vanderbilt, weighed down by the chains forged by a life of greed. “Will this socialist insist on Ghostbusters coming after myself and other phantasmagoric wealthy white men like Rockefeller, Astor, and Ford? If this city is forced to settle for spooky visitations only from the poor, rich ghosts will take their hauntings elsewhere, and the city will suffer for it. What these supposed Ghostbusters should be focusing on is the ghosts of the Chinese men killed building my railways, whom we had dumped in mass graves, and whose screaming and wailing follow me now even in death.”
Ghostbusters representative Janine Melnitz spoke at length about the importance of this new initiative.
“The Ghostbusters have saved this city so many times, it’s not even funny,” said Melnitz from her office desk. “And it ain’t cheap. We’re talking miniature nuclear reactors, ecto-containment chambers, proton packs, and maintaining the ECTO-1 just for starters. And then there are the lawsuits, bail money, commercial airtime, and paying Ray Parker. Jr for the theme tune, which we assumed would be paid off by now. Mayor Mamdani knows what’s important to New Yorkers and it’s the city’s paranormal elimination needs.”
Following Mamdani’s announcement, the Trump administration announced it would give the ghosts of billionaires positions in Trump’s dead cabinet headed by Mitch McConnell.
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