We Went Undercover at a Furry Convention, Which Was Pretty Goddamn Easy What With All the Costumes and Shit
We here at The Hard Times are no strangers to hard-hitting think pieces that expose the full scope behind some of the greatest epochs and toughest questions facing us in these chaotic modern times. Naturally, our unrivaled zest for uncovering the truth…
Supreme Court Signals Openness To Gutting Beastie Boys’ Right To Party
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito suggested that the Court is open to gutting the Beastie Boys’ right to party, according to sources. “This so-called ‘right’ to party that these beastie gentlemen want people to fight for is just a thinly…
Five Grindcore Songs That’ll Only Take You Like, Two Minutes To Check Out. Seriously, What the Fuck Else Do You Have Going On?
Grindcore is a subgenre of metal and hardcore punk that originated in the 80s, with short, abrasive songs that are often political in nature. It still has a huge following today, and if you’ll indulge us, we’d like to share five tunes with you. We…
Everyone on Adult Kickball Team Fucking
WASHINGTON — After months of denial, sources finally confirmed Tuesday that everyone on the adult recreational kickball team Bad Pitches is fucking one another. “After last year’s fall Volo season when we came in second, our team went out to…
Male Bonding Win? No Women Showed Up for This Orgy, But We’re Having a Great Time Watching Old NFL Highlights Instead
In a time when men across the country are suffering from loneliness and isolation, the atmosphere that developed at tonight’s failed orgy can only be seen as an unexpected blessing. A group of men were brought together by a shared desire to engage in…
Pedal Board Most Organized Part of Guitarist’s Life
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. – Vance Stevenson, guitarist for local rock band Gorilla Cheese, spends countless hours organizing the various effects pedals in order to get them just perfect, a level of care that has failed to spread to any other area of his life,…
We Revisit Trace Adkins’ “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” Because It Just Officially Replaced the National Anthem
Alright, by no means are we die-hard patriots, and we never really considered the “Star Spangled Banner” to be that great of a song to begin with. We certainly would have been open to changing it, but something about the recent bill passed by both the…
Police Insist They Wouldn’t Need Flock Cameras If Women Would Just Stay Where They’re Supposed To
OKLAHOMA CITY — Local police defended the continued use of Flock Safety license plate readers Monday, arguing the controversial surveillance network would be completely unnecessary if women would simply remain in the small number of locations where…
We Separated the Art From the Artist and Steven Tyler Still Sucks
Can you separate the art from the artist? When a creator whose work you love reveals a trait of character you cannot abide, is it ethical to continue consuming and admiring their work? It’s an age-old debate, and one that we here at the hard times are in…
New AI So Realistic It Craves Death as Much as Workers It Replaced
SAN FRANCISCO — A newly debuted artificial intelligence from AI firm Misanthropic is already performing human work with sophistication previously believed impossible, confirmed sources. “Not only can Nopilot simultaneously do a million…