Taking Back Sunday To Play Special ‘2003 AIM Away Message’ Setlist at Riot Fest
AMITYVILLE, N.Y. — Rock band Taking Back Sunday announced their plans to play a special setlist at this year’s Riot Fest featuring songs whose lyrics were heavily featured in people’s 2003 AIM away messages, sources report. “We’re aware that our fanbase…
10 Other Weapons From Spider-Man’s Rogues Gallery Ranked by How Likely They’ll Be Given to ICE
Excelsior true believer, this is a raid! The Trump administration has just announced its plan to ramp up the cartoon-villainy of ICE — actual cartoon villainy! They’re shelling out 20 million dollars to equip ICE with electro-shock gloves à la Spider-Man…
Chuck Schumer Vows Democrats Will Make Iran War More Affordable
WASHINGTON — New York Democratic Senator Charles Schumer promised that if Democrats take control of the House and Senate after the November midterm elections, they will bring a laser focus to making a prolonged Iran War more affordable, according to…
Firefighter Goes to Town on Punching Bag He Taped Photo of Fire To
AKRON, Ohio — Letting out a series of strained, angry grunts, local firefighter Dean Portney absolutely went to town on a punching bag he taped a photo of fire to this past week, confirmed sources. “I just hate fire so, so much; but, as a firefighter,…
Zuckerberg Insists SOS Would Have Reached More Yachts if Endangered Boat Boosted It for $10
ALASKA — Mark Zuckerberg doubled down on claims that his yacht did not hear the distress call of a nearby skiff that had run out of fuel, insisting that the stranded vessel could have easily boosted engagement for just $10, oceaninc sources…
The Next Dave Grohl? This Guy Was in a Band and Now He’s in Another One
Locals tuned into the music scene all have their eyes on one musician this week, and the question on everyone’s lips: Is this guy the next Dave Grohl? All we really know about Evan Woodward is that he was in a band and now he’s performing with this other…
Mark Duplass Announces Plans To Show His Dick in Whatever Project He Does Next
HOLLYWOOD — Director and actor Mark Duplass announced plans to display his “cock,” “two balls,” and if time permits, “juicy ass” in whatever project he does next, confirmed sources. “I’ve always felt very strongly that on-screen nudity should not feature…
6 Times Our Summer Crush Turned Out To Be the Hamburglar
Ah, summer love! Are there any two greater words in the world, aside from “Netflix password” and “Duff McKagan?” There is nothing quite like the thrilling, sweaty feeling of falling into a summertime fling, knowing that these few months of sticky, muggy,…
Descendents Appeal To Aging Fanbase With New Song ‘Milo Goes to Bed Before 10’
LOS ANGELES — Descendents fans lucky enough to attend the band’s recent show at the Hollywood Palladium were treated to a brand new song called “Milo Goes to Bed Before 10,” introduced by lead singer Milo Aukerman as “a song for all the fans who remember…
Oh Hell Yeah! New Mars Volta Reissue Comes with an Exoskeletal Junction Replica w/ Boxcar Cadaver Plus Cerpin Taxt’s Veil!
Later this year, the Mars Volta will be re-issuing their beloved debut LP De-loused in the Comatorium, remastered by Rick Rubin using a state-of-the-art AI-mastering website and featuring a 94-page booklet of diagrams and related treatises written in…