Nunchuck Owner Just Itching for Reason to Nunchuck Something
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Local nunchuck owner Rob Langford was reportedly just itching for a reason to nunchuck something while testing the weight of each of his weapon’s chained-together ends, confirmed sources. “Look, when you’re a nunchuck owner,…
Ween Enters Mescaline Hall of Fame
CLEVELAND — The Mescaline Hall of Fame announced Ween as this year’s inductee, solidifying the band’s legacy, confirmed sources. “We’ve wanted this achievement ever since we heard about it a few months ago,” flatly stated Dean Ween of Ween.…
Help! Nathan Fielder Still Doesn’t Know We’re in a Relationship
Put on a helmet and sit on the toilet because when you hear what I’m about to tell you, you’re going to get so jealous you will shit out your ovaries or whatever you’ve got going on there and pass the fuck out. Okay, here goes: I am Nathan Fielder’s…
Ew, Really? Apparently the Band From “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith” Actually Exists
Alright, get ready to have your mind blown. You remember those Guitar Hero games from about twenty years ago? It seems like you couldn’t enter a dorm room or sleepover without seeing one of your friends holding a plastic guitar in front of a TV, trying…
Cheryl Hines Worries RFK Jr. Not the Collection of Neuroses, Dangerous Conspiratorial Thoughts She Married
WASHINGTON — Comedian and actor Cheryl Hines nervously worried that her husband, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was not the same collection of neuroses and dangerous conspiratorial thoughts he was when the two married,…
I Paid Donald Trump $100K for Insider Trading Info and Now I Am the Leader of a Prison Ramen Cartel
My entire life I’ve always been a loser, and earlier this year I decided to do something about that. I was drowning in debt, and knew I had to change my life. So I did something drastic – I took a shot at becoming a real winner for once. I quit my job at…
Mick Jagger Assures Concerned Fans He’s Still Super Horny at 83
LONDON — The Rolling Stones’ venerable frontman insisted he’s as horny as ever during a press stop for their new album, according to nauseated reporters. “Apparently there are some slanderous allegations floating around claiming my signature libido is…
Absolutely Humiliating: This Death Metal Musician Just Got Raptured
We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Whether it was an awkward social interaction or a spilled coffee in the middle of a crowded Starbucks, everybody has, at one point or another, been kept up nights at the cringe-inducing…
Democrats Pass Anti-Flock Camera Bill Mandating All Flock Devices Wear Body Cameras
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats this week passed sweeping legislation requiring every Flock device in the country to be fitted with its own body camera, after months of grassroots organizing demanding the removal of the surveillance cameras from…
No Shit! This Idyllic Small Town’s Dark Secret Is Racism
With autumn at our doorstep, so begins the annual migration into New England to take in the changing of the leaves, the quiet comfort of small-town bed and breakfasts, and appreciate the warmth of friendly locals. With these getaways becoming so popular,…