My Name Is Tendonitis, and Now That Your Life Is Already Falling Apart, It’s My Time To Shine
Hey, there. If you don’t know me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tendonitis, and now that your life is already falling apart, it’s time for me to make my presence known. It’s not that I want to ruin your life, per se. It’s just that it’s hard…
Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River
MADISON, Wis. — A new survey found that the poverty crisis in the U.S. is even worse than many experts thought, with the vast majority (89%) of Americans no longer able to afford living in a van down by the river. “We expected it to be bad but not…
Opinion: I’m Not a Toys R’ Us Kid, I’m a Toys R’ Us Man
Lately I’ve found myself staring into my bathroom mirror, unable to recognize the man behind the sunken eyes, encroaching wrinkles, and that one stubborn patch of psoriasis no prescription skin cream can seem to alleviate. Yet underneath my deteriorating…
Pharmacists Recommend Having Three Months’ Worth of Meds From Other, Imaginary Pharmacy Where They Let You Do That
LOS ANGELES — Pharmacists in the state of California have made a sweeping recommendation to have three months’ worth of medications, but to be sure to get them from other, imaginary pharmacies where they actually let you do that, sources confirmed. “Any…
How To Talk to Your Kids About Those Photos of You at the Vans Warped Tour
Like most punk-positive parents, you probably thought it was safe to slow down and start a family when festival founder Kevin Lyman declared that the Vans Warped Tour would come to an end after 2018. But now, like the tell-tale heart beating through…
Why Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” Didn’t Do the Novel Justice
When I first heard that Metallica had written an ode to Hemingway’s 1940 novel “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, I was ecstatic. Finally, the story of demolition expert Robert Jordan’s harrowing mission to destroy a bridge during the Segovia Offensive of the…
Total Lightweight Not Keeping Personal Demons to Himself
ATLANTA — A local weak-ass bitch regularly burdens his friends and family with his personal bullshit after a couple of light beers, according to sources trying to avoid him. “My therapist said that it’s helpful for me to openly discuss my struggles with…
4D Chess: Trump Prevents Future 9/11’s by Preemptively Destroying Nation
They say the best defence is a good offense. That’s why brave leaders like Donald Trump are always in attack mode, from bombing historic rivals like Iran to starting economic trade wars on enemies we never even knew we had, like those bastards up in…
We Can’t Remember if Steve Buscemi Saved People on 9/11, Died During 9/11, or Committed 9/11 but Here’s a Photo of Steve Buscemi and 9/11
For most Americans reflecting on the 25th anniversary of 9/11, thoughts turn to the victims of the terrorist attacks and what we’ve learned as a nation since then. As major cinephiles though, we are mostly focused on Steve Buscemi. Mainly because we know…
Donald Trump Threatens to Personally Give Every American Chlamydia if Republicans Lose the Midterms
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has doubled down on his questionable pledge to send every American $5,000 if Republicans retain control of Congress this November by alternatively promising to personally infect every American with a sexually…