Wendy’s Employees Undergo Mandatory “Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday” Training
DUBLIN, OH — After the surprise release of Wendy’s collaborative emo album, CEO Bob Wright announced that all store employees must undergo extensive mandatory training outlining the scene-defining feud between Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, restaurant…
Line of Juggalo Suitors Forms in the Hopes of Courting Young Juggalette
DETROIT — A line of juggalo suitors formed outside the bedroom window of 19-year-old juggalette Katie Gerwin in the hopes of winning her favor, sources report. “I noticed Katie at last week’s Gathering of the Juggalos, and she really struck my fancy,”…
Woke Gone Too Far: This Tattoo Artist Refuses to Draw My Cybersigilsm Design Solely Because It Looks Like Shit
First, they cancelled Louis C.K., and I said nothing. Next, they put fewer white actors in Roomba commercials, and I said nothing. Then, they attacked Roald Dahl, and I said something, but it was actually kind of supportive because I hate censorship, but…
‘What’s Happening Is Catastrophic and Unjustifiable,’ – Ed Sheeran Finally Breaks Silence About Ticket Sales
BOSTON — Ed Sheeran finally broke his silence to address the controversy surrounding his embattled 2026 tour following his supporting acts’ dismissal for expressing anti-genocide views about the conflict in Gaza, sources confirmed. “The opening acts,…
Private Equity Firm Buys Rainbows
NEW YORK — Local private equity firm Kohlberg Kravis & Roberts announced today that they have officially acquired the rights, access, licensing, and ownership of all sunlight that hits water droplets and refracts into a spectrum of colors, most…
Hard Times Left Out of White House Ban
Okay, this is honestly just weird. Frankly, we’re not sure how we got White House press passes to begin with; we filled for them as a joke, and somehow it worked. Frankly, it’s almost insulting that while CNN, MS NOW, and Politico have been banned from…
I Collect Physical Media To Maintain History and Also Because I Fucking Love Shelves
Physical media is essential. By purchasing physical media, we are preserving history in the face of the forces that want to erase it or remove it from streaming. I am a warrior for preservation. I also just fucking love shelves. Sure, I like movies just…
‘90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced that they have added ‘90s grunge singers to the list of endangered species, confirmed sources. “Black rhinos, sea turtles, and guys who sang ‘Even Flow’ in 1992. We need to be…
Five Black Metal Shirts That’ll Definitely Get You Kicked Out of That Christian Youth Group Your Parents Made You Join
Ugh, goddamnit. Looks like Mom and Dad found that eighth you were storing under your mattress, and they got it in their heads that you need some wholesome, godly activities to fill your time. Now your Thursday nights are spent over at St. Agnes Parish,…
Make-A-Wish Kid Spends Bulk of Pittsburgh Steelers Visit Being Lectured by Aaron Rodgers About Chemtrails
PITTSBURGH — Local Make-A-Wish kid Dalton Kelley unfortunately spent the vast majority of his visit to Steelers camp being lectured by 42-year-old quarterback and conspiracy theorist Aaron Rodgers about chemtrails, confirmed sources. “See, the…