RFK Jr. Suggests Most Mental Illness Could Be Cured by Cheating on Your Wife All the Time
WASHINGTON — A new study regarding mental health conducted and written by Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. concluded that nearly all mental illnesses can be eradicated through cheating on your wife all of the time,…
Heartwarming: When This Guy Described Himself as an “Anarcho-Capitalist,” a Bird Shit Right Into His Mouth Immediately
In an age when the news cycle can feel like nothing but 24/7 gloom and doom, it’s easy to succumb to feelings of hopelessness and despair. It’s that exact backdrop that makes this uplifting story such a gift to the world — a rising tide of hope that…
Good Charlotte Demoted to Third-Or-Fourth-Worst Thing Madden Brothers Have Done
NEW YORK — A conclave of scene elders has announced that Good Charlotte, once the undisputed pariah of all things punk-adjacent, now ranks only “third or fourth” on the list of shitty things done by The Madden Brothers, after convening on recent layoffs…
Review: Meta Glasses — Finally, a Cybertruck for My Dumb, Mouth-Breather Face
I always wanted a Cybertruck, but times are tight — my credit score is horrible, and I don’t have a driver’s license, so the Tesla dealership referred me to a bus stop to go buy some Meta Glasses instead. Meta Glasses are just like regular glasses,…
Belly Rub Canceled After Seeing How Close Dog’s Genitals Are to Stomach
KĪHEI, Hawaii — Dog owner Ikaika Kahale decided not to rub his new rescue dog Burt’s belly after noticing how close his genitals are to his stomach, weirded-out sources report. “I just adopted Burt last week, and it’s taken him a while to warm up to me,”…
DNC Establishment Alarmed Over Growing Trend of Radical Muslims Hellbent on Providing Affordable Housing and Healthcare
DETROIT — Progressive Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed’s defeat of centrist Nikki Haley raised alarm bells for establishment Democrats, according to weeping DNC sources. “We’re all in shock. We did everything right and still El-Sayed won. AIPAC gave us…
Last Couple Hours of Acid Trip Spent Doing Laundry
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Pendleton spent the last stretch of his 10-hour LSD trip doing laundry, pragmatic sources confirmed. “Man, it was so awesome to open up my consciousness today and feel such an overwhelming sensation of love and connection…
We Look Back on the ‘Saved by the Bell’ Episode Where Zack and the Gang Help the Menendez Brothers Murder Their Parents
Pretty much everybody has seen at least one episode of ‘Saved by the Bell,’ the saccharine high school comedy in which a group of teens, led by charismatic psychopath Zack Morris, got into endless hijinks ranging from stupid to really fucking stupid.…
Concert ASL Interpreter Does Jerk-Off Motion During Kid Rock’s Entire Set
HASTINGS, Mich. — Concert ASL interpreter Alyssa Morgan became an instant celebrity after wowing the crowd doing the jerk-off motion the entirety of Kid Rock’s set, venue employees have confirmed. “I take a lot of pride in helping remove barriers for the…
Adorable Dog Mayor of Small Town Approves Data Center
BARKLEY, Ore. — Residents gathered Tuesday evening outside Town Hall to protest Mayor Waffles, a five-year-old dog, after he approved a controversial 2.3 million-square-foot data center project expected to transform the local economy and consume more…