Scientists Reveal They’re Closer Than Ever To Discovering Whether the Black Crowes Are Classic Rock or Not

TROY, N.Y. — Scientists at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute revealed that they are closer than ever to discovering whether the Black Crowes are classic rock or not, sources reveal.

“We are on the cusp of a true breakthrough,” lead scientist Cara Flores said. “For years, the Black Crowes have perplexed music fans who didn’t know whether they fall into the classic rock genre, and we are perhaps days away from discovering the answer. It has taken my team a decade of painstaking work around the clock, and we are just as excited as the general public in awaiting the verdict. No more will listeners feel uncertain upon hearing ‘She Talks to Angels’ on the same radio station that plays ‘Black Dog’ and ‘More Than a Feeling.’ Once we publish our findings, the true categorization of this mystery of a band will be known to all.”

Fan Chester O’Malley couldn’t wait for the discovery.

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for this,” O’Malley noted. “We always have classic rock radio playing where I work, so I hear ‘Twice As Hard’ several times in each shift. I’ve always wondered whether it made sense for that song to be played after stuff like ‘Baba O’Riley’ and ‘Night Moves.’ I mean, didn’t the Black Crowes start in 1984? Isn’t that after the classic rock cutoff? Then again, people who don’t know anything about them certainly don’t bat an eye when their songs are played on that station. I just don’t know, which is why I’m so eager to finally have an answer to this question.”

Black Crowes vocalist Chris Robinson was every bit as excited as O’Malley.

“Honestly, I have no clue if we’re classic rock or not,” Robinson admitted. “I mean, we’ve been around for over four decades, which is a long time, but not nearly as long as bands that are undoubtedly classic rock, like Rush or Aerosmith. However, we definitely seem to have the same fanbase as them, and you wouldn’t think twice if you saw a signed guitar from one of us at a Hard Rock Cafe. I can truly see it going either way, so I won’t be surprised at whatever the answer is. It’ll just be good to finally have some closure after all these years not knowing what to call ourselves.”

At press time, Flores had admitted that they’re still years away from making the same discovery about Dire Straits.

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