Court Orders Kennedy Name Removed From RFK Jr.
Mario Tama/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bombshell ruling on Tuesday, a federal judge ordered the Kennedy name removed from Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “immediately.” “Henceforth, the former Mr. Kennedy will be…
Fox Glad White House Ban Only Applies to News Networks
Jeenah Moon for The Washington Post via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel’s top executive said on Monday that the company was “deeply relieved” to learn that the White House’s media ban would…
Is America’s Crummiest Political Dynasty About to Bite the Dust?
If anyone can put a fork in the Sununu dynasty, it’s John E. Sununu. (Photo: CJ Gunther/Getty Images) Welcome to The Borowitz Report’s newest premium feature, TBR Midterms HQ. Between now and November, we’ll offer deep dives into the…
Trump Enraged After Iran Renames Strait of Hormuz After JFK
Planet Volumes on Unsplash WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In yet another setback for Donald J. Trump, on Thursday Iran renamed the Strait of Hormuz after President John F. Kennedy. In a ceremonial unveiling, members of the Islamic Revolutionary…
Trump Offers Supreme Court $5000 Each to Change Mail-in Voting Decision
Jim Lo Scalzo/AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to the Supreme Court’s decision to block his mail voting restrictions for the midterms, on Tuesday Donald J. Trump offered the justices $5000 each to change their…
Trump Says AI Far Less Likely to Destroy Humanity Than He Is
Brendan Smialowski / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Lashing out at what he called “woke, far-left lunatic AI-haters,” on Tuesday Donald J. Trump told reporters that artificial intelligence “is much less…
McConnell’s Return Gives Kentucky Two Brain-dead Senators
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The long-awaited return of Mitch McConnell to Congress on Monday marked the first time in months that the state of Kentucky has enjoyed the attendance of two brain-dead senators. In addition to his fellow…
The Fascist Billionaire Who Created JD Vance
Billionaire Peter Thiel is part of a Silicon Valley cabal that’s jonesing to replace democracy with a twisted brand of far-right technofascism. You won’t want to miss my conversation with Gil Durán, author of the bestseller The Nerd…
Mark Carney Offers Americans $6000 to Vote Against Republicans
Dave Chan / AFP via Getty Images OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it an effort to “restore sanity,” on Thursday Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney offered every adult American $6000 to vote against Republicans in the midterms.…
Americans Traveling Abroad Attempt Canadian Accents
chris robert on Unsplash DERBY LINE, VERMONT (The Borowitz Report)—In unprecedented numbers, Americans planning travel overseas are enrolling in a crash course to learn Canadian accents, a Canadian accent instructor revealed on Thusday. Harland…