Republicans Privately Urging Trump To Not Be President Leading Up To Midterms
WASHINGTON—Saying the gesture would boost his party’s electoral prospects at a crucial moment, Republicans have been privately urging President Donald Trump to not be president in the run-up to next week’s midterms, sources confirmed today.…
Head Removed For National Anthem
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‘People’ Does Single Buddy A Solid By Naming Him Sexiest Man Alive
NEW YORK—In an effort to boost the local man’s self-esteem, People magazine reportedly did single buddy Dominic Johnson a favor Thursday by naming him the “Sexiest Man Alive.” “Sure, Sterling K. Brown or Alan Ritchson might have him beat in the…
What To Know About ‘Wicker’
Wicker, a new romantic fantasy film, stars Olivia Colman as a fisherwoman and Alexander Skarsgård as the husband who was created for her by a basket weaver. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is this movie for? A: People…
Experts Find Skrillex Most Common Sleep Paralysis Demon for People Who Attended College in 2010
CORAL GABLES, Fla. — Experts at the University of Miami determined through rigorous research that the most common sleep paralysis demon among individuals who attended college in 2010 is none other than American DJ Skrillex. “We theorize that it’s a…
Local Guy Still Stoked From Using ‘Liminal’ in Conversation Two Weeks Ago
MANAYUNK, Penn. — Brunch-goer Edwin Smaddle remains totally stoked two weeks after properly using the word “liminal” in conversation, witnesses of the verbal feat reported. “As the word left my mouth it felt like the hand of God reached down from the…
Bolsonaro Accidentally Arrested by ICE Minutes After Arriving from Brazil
Ricardo Arduengo / AFP via Getty Images MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)— In an embarrassing misstep for the Department of Homeland Security, on Wednesday the failed Brazilian presidential candidate Flávio Bolsonaro was arrested by ICE agents just…
Trump’s Eyes Roll Back After Receiving Vision Of Muscular Asses That Have Not Yet Come To Pass
The post Trump’s Eyes Roll Back After Receiving Vision Of Muscular Asses That Have Not Yet Come To Pass appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Drowns In 2-Inch Puddle
WASHINGTON—Thrashing about in his navy blue suit as dirty water seeped into his mouth and nostrils, President Donald Trump reportedly drowned Wednesday in a two-inch puddle. Sources who wished to remain anonymous told reporters they observed Trump slip…
Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books
Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books Since 1974, Stephen King has published more than 65 novels and novellas. The Onion identifies the horror master’s five best and five worst works. Explore the list in detail Best Small Cujo The follow-up to…