Donald Trump Threatens to Personally Give Every American Chlamydia if Republicans Lose the Midterms
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has doubled down on his questionable pledge to send every American $5,000 if Republicans retain control of Congress this November by alternatively promising to personally infect every American with a sexually…
Nunchuck Owner Just Itching for Reason to Nunchuck Something
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Local nunchuck owner Rob Langford was reportedly just itching for a reason to nunchuck something while testing the weight of each of his weapon’s chained-together ends, confirmed sources. “Look, when you’re a nunchuck owner,…
Biggest Revelations From ‘Musk’
Musk, a new documentary about the SpaceX and Tesla CEO by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. Here is what the film revealed about Elon Musk: Was a bit of a loner as an adult Flew to Belgium in 2012 to undergo…
Trump Claims He Was Falling Man
WASHINGTON—Saying America could frankly be more grateful for the enduring image he provided, President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that he was the previously unidentified Falling Man captured midair in an iconic photograph taken on 9/11. “I was…
Beef Tallow Homunculus Escapes From HHS Building
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus…
Linda Westerman
Linda Westerman, 53, died Sunday but seriously looks so good you cannot even tell that she’s dead. The post Linda Westerman appeared first on The Onion.
I Want Kids So I’ll Have Someone To Take Care Of Me When I Get Hammered
More people than ever are eschewing parenthood, and if you talk to my peers, they’ll readily tell you why. They’ll say it’s too expensive, or boast about how they’d rather focus on traveling or their careers. Some will even argue it’s unethical. Well,…
Americans Traveling Abroad Attempt Canadian Accents
chris robert on Unsplash DERBY LINE, VERMONT (The Borowitz Report)—In unprecedented numbers, Americans planning travel overseas are enrolling in a crash course to learn Canadian accents, a Canadian accent instructor revealed on Thusday. Harland…
Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
The post Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
Ween Enters Mescaline Hall of Fame
CLEVELAND — The Mescaline Hall of Fame announced Ween as this year’s inductee, solidifying the band’s legacy, confirmed sources. “We’ve wanted this achievement ever since we heard about it a few months ago,” flatly stated Dean Ween of Ween.…