Trump Drowns In 2-Inch Puddle

WASHINGTON—Thrashing about in his navy blue suit as dirty water seeped into his mouth and nostrils, President Donald Trump reportedly drowned Wednesday in a two-inch puddle. Sources who wished to remain anonymous told reporters they observed Trump slip on a wet stone paver as he strode en route to Marine One and fall face-first into a the shallow standing rainwater. According to onlookers, the president seemed to lack the upper-body strength to lift himself off the ground and appeared unaware that tilting his head even a minuscule degree to either side would immediately clear his airways. Horrified witnesses instead confirmed a prone Trump gurgled away his final breaths as Secret Service agents struggled in vain to flip the morbidly obese 80-year-old onto his back. At press time, all members of the president’s Cabinet and every Republican lawmaker had reportedly received a dish filled with exactly two inches of water and were told they knew what they had to do.

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