Stephen Miller Visibly Erect After Dropping Baby Penguin off Cliff in Super Mario 64
WASHINGTON – United States Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller was seen with a protruding erection after dropping the baby penguin off the cliff in the “Cool, Cool Mountain” level of 1996 platformer Super Mario 64, uncomfortable sources…
A Complete List of Foodborne Illnesses I Caught From Eating at Bancho Sushi
OK, let this be a warning to everyone to read up on restaurants before patronizing them; ESPECIALLY sushi restaurants. A lovable scuba diver/waiter befriending a race of sea people and uncovering the cause of a rash of earthquakes may provide good fodder…
Sniveling Little Coward Leaves Controls at Default Setting
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. – Sniveling little coward Gerard Wilmerson declined to make any adjustments to his video games’ default controller settings, disgusted sources report. “I don’t really have a strong personal preference when it comes to controls,”…
Five Amazing Pieces of Furniture I Could Make With the Great Deku Tree if You’d Just Let Me Chop It Down
OK, I know the Kokiri worship this goddamn thing, but seriously, just look at it. It’s a monstrosity and an eyesore. I heard it even has a parasite inside of it, Queen Gohma or something like that. Apparently the tree has summoned some kid who doesn’t…
Mushroom Kingdom Reaches Hazard Pay Agreement With Hammer Bros. Union
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to the hazardous nature of their work, sources report. “This is long overdue,” union rep Henry Hammer told…
RECORDS SUGGEST 2020 ELECTION CONSPIRACY INVOLVED 80M PEOPLE
ATLANTA, GA (Satirewire.com) — President Donald Trump’s legal team today said it now believes the conspiracy to steal the election for Joe Biden may have included more than 80 million Americans who, evidence shows, “purposefully and willfully…
BOEING DECLARES ITS AIRCRAFT WILL NOT BE MADE OF MEAT
Latching onto the meatless craze, Boeing today announced all of its aircraft will be entirely constructed of non-meat products. Boeing stock soared on the news.
ALTERNATIVE PUERTO RICO THRIVING AFTER HURRICANE MARIA
White House officials today said President Trump’s claim that his handling of Hurricane Maria was a “tremendous success” was a reference to Alternative Puerto Rico, a land where 3,000 people didn’t die and no one is still homeless and 1.1 million people…
MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS
Just a month after changing its name from ‘Good Day, Tallahassee’ to ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee,’ WFPE’s early morning show has become north Florida’s number one morning TV program.
TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL
PRES. TRUMP: We’ll call ‘em cinderbacks. Or wetbricks. SESSIONS: We can poll the base to see which makes them angrier.